Dear Diary,

Well I didn't accomplish anything on the tax front yet. I really have to get that done. What did I do today? I barely remember.

I did some stuff on the computer- work stuff- and some fool-around stuff. My computer was moving really slowly. I took a shower. I didn't eat well, which I think affected my ability to be organized.

Jimmy and I had talked about me coming over today, so I gave him a call. By the time I got to his house, there was only a half an hour to spend together before he had to go out. We sat and he gave me some food, and I gave him a piece of cake from Saturday night. We talked about some things, including the economy and spiritual beliefs.

I found out that a guy I have seen around, Derrell, is Jimmy's neighbor... which I never knew. They literally live right next store. Interesting.

Jimmy didn't mention Smitten at all. The only thing that I said was that hearing that Smitten's dad died kind of made me want to go visit my own parents.

Jimmy and Derrell were going out together, and Jimmy said he would wait for Derrell downstairs. When we were downstairs I was talking to Jimmy and looking at him like I always look at people, and he brushed the hair out of my eyes. It felt like kind of an intimate gesture, and I'm a little confused by it. Is Jimmy hitting on me, or is that just the way he is? It seemed that he was really encouraging me to be with Smitten in the past, but that gesture boggled me a little bit. Who knows, I think he comes from a European background and maybe he is just an affectionate person.

Well. We all parted ways, and I went to my friend's store, thinking I would visit. But he was not there today. Hmm. I made my way to Steffy's house and hung out with her and one of her roommates. It was her roommate's birthday, so we celebrated with takeout and some desserts. I actually didn't care for the desserts- some kind of weird cookies with no chocolate- so that was pretty safe.

And, while I was at Steffy's, Smitten called. He left a sweet message, that he was just callling to say hi. I called him back on my way home, but his voicemail is full, so I couldn't leave him a message. So I sent him a text letting him know that I tried to call. Hmm. I would have loved to talk to him, but I guess it wasn't the right time. It's funny because I just popped his card in the mail today. It was a little strange because I didn't know what to write- I mean we don't know each other very well and things with his dad were very strained. So I wrote something like, "Well I don't know what to write but I want to say something real. So the truth is that I'm sorry for any pain you are experiencing right now, and I'm praying for you everyday. And if you need anything, I am here for support. Take care." To paraphrase. I didn't want to write something trite like, "Sorry for your loss" because I don't even know HOW he feels about his loss... but I would be sad about thinking if Smitten is having a rough time. So I told the truth about that.

On the way home I talked to Keith. I was telling him about a realization that I had regarding my eating disorder. I was talking to Serena one time about eating... and she was saying that I eat to cover up my feelings... and if I could just not eat, and feel all those feelings, things would get better. Well at the time, of course, it made sense. But just the other day I thought: DUH. What does she think I've been trying to do for 14 years? If I could do it, "not eat", I would have done it already!

But it's obvious I cannot do it. The feelings are too overwhelming. I need another method of support; another treatment. Food is the symptom, not the problem. Want to find someone who knows pretty much everything about nutrition? Talk to someone with an eating disorder. Those people know exactly what they are "supposed" to do- what foods are best for their body... but because it is an emotional issue, they can't follow the plans they know are best because they are overcome with overwhelming feelings of fear, anger and grief that will only subside with a certain pattern with food. And it is frustrating as hell, creating more self-judgment and feelings of sadness, anger and inadequacy.

So- now is my time to ask for bigger help. The nutritionist- great- didn't really tell me something I didn't know already. (I used to see a nutritionist religiously, right before and after I had my surgery. I gave up sugar, dairy, read every label... but it didn't last, because I couldn't sustain myself emotionally without those things to tamp down all these crazy feelings.) I know my body's sensitivity to sugar and dairy.... but of course what do you think I crave when my emotional world feels like it's crashing around me? The worst possible stuff for my body. And now I know how to best help adrenal and kidneys, so that's a plan I can follow even if I do "slip" sometimes...

And really, I don't think therapy is working. It is okay for releasing some emotion but there is not enough trust there to do the deep work that I need to do. And the whole belief system around that model of therapy is that it takes a long time. Well, is a year and a half long enough? Shouldn't something else be happening?

I need a miracle.

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