Dear Diary,

Last night, after work with Ginny, I just had a little breakdown. I have not made enough money to cover the bare essentials of my work this month, much less make any profit.

So I cried. I called Gail and left her a message- with tears in my voice- how terrible I felt, that I didn't feel like I could come over because I had two dollars in my wallet, and I felt totally unsupported by the Universe.

Then I called Bethany. She told me to come right over. She made me hot chocolate and got out my favorite book. Then she suggested we watch a movie. It took forever to find the remote to operate the TV, but we finally found it. She invited me to stay over. We put pajamas on and watched "IronMan" till 3:30am.

I slept in the "roommates" bed (there is no roommate at the moment) until almost noon. Then I used Bethany's phone to call Gail and inform her where I was. Gail was supportive and said don't worry about it, she asked if she could do anything for me. I really couldn't think of anything at the moment, but we agreed to talk later in the evening.

Bethany and I had breakfast- eggs and apples, and talked for awhile. She's working, but not sure how long she'll have work. She's also been having trouble finding a roommate. So things feel tough all over.

I got dressed and raced home, because I had to send out an important email. I couldn't do it from Bethany's house, because her computer broke down and is in the shop (another one of Bethany's worries- spending more money... doesn't it always work that way??)

After I did that, I cleaned up a bit and went to meet Steffy. Steffy told me that she had had another date with the toenail polish guy, and she ended up in her underwear on the date. Steffy always seems to hook up with guys that are sexually aggressive, then she goes too far before she can think about it- ends up falling in love with them... and it doesn't work out. She knows better, but can't seem to stop! Anyway, the disappointing thing for her was some of the stuff this guy was saying to her- about what would get him excited. She's not into it. It seems he's a bit twisted and only certain feelings of humiliation and jealousy get him excited. Honestly I'm not surprised cause I could tell he was a bit kinky from his texting- but Steffy is not at all kinky. She's very conventional in that realm.

So I feel bad for her. And she knows I have been struggling with money, so she said she would make me a most romantic dinner- she made an awesome fish dish and a pie that was out of this world. Sometimes eating at Steffy's feels like eating at a restaurant!

That was it. Steffy's roommate was home for part of the time (the other girl was working). On the whole, I have really been enjoying Tuesday nights with these girls. I guess I just needed some woman time, and nurturing, which I got from Bethany and Steffy.

Thanks, ladies.

Now I'm home.... feeling pretty tired and looking forward to sleep. Tomorrow I really need to clean and hopefully in that cleaning I will find any hidden scraps necessary for the completion of taxes. Then that part of life will be done, and I will be relieved.

Also, I have a secret joy about Wednesdays because that's the day I usually talk to Smitten. However, I did call on Sunday and he never called back- do you think it's ok to call again? Hmm. Can't really tell. I showed Steffy and her roommate a picture of him, and they both said he was cute, gorgeous, etc. But I think they are just being nice. I mean not to say anything bad about Smitten. But if you had seen the men I've previously dated- both Alphie and M were models (seriously, in the past). Don used to blow people away (my sister Delia was shocked when she saw his pic- about how good looking he actually was). Even Frank was really, really handsome.

Smitten is probably sweeter than all of them put together... but... like I said, he is not my normal type. Maybe that's good. Cause looks didn't get me anywhere. I know I sound extremely superficial right now. Yes, I am human. Can't help it. I think I have to find something to worry about all the time.

Agh.

Probably also has something to do with how much I worry about my own looks. I never feel pretty. I am constantly comparing myself and worrying that I am not attractive. So really, all of this nonsense is a reflection about my own insecurities.

And so it goes.

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