Dear Diary,

Well. Only four hours of sleep last night, of course because I had to get up this morning on the early side. I managed....

Was excited because I checked my phone at lunch and Smitten had sent me some really exquisite photos. Only when I got home I realized he had sent them to a whole list, not just to me. Oh well... no use searching for rejection- at least I'm on the list! I wrote him back that I liked them. I will forgo the Sunday call for now. I told him I would give him space at this time while he's grieving... so I don't want to crowd him and be demanding.

I worked this evening... it was okay. Then I did some of the tapping exercise. What did I discover.

Something huge...

That I am angry (well, we know that). I am angry that I have never felt supported by my family, my whole life. Not as a child, not as an adult. Not before, during or after my surgery, and not around the topic of my eating disorder.

And, I realized how angry I have been at myself. For feeling pressured into that surgery. I had a flash of insight that my eating disorder has really been a form of self-punishment... that I have been so PISSED at myself for not having a boundary back then. For giving up a piece of my body when I really didn't want to, and then still receiving no love or support afterward, even though I did what all those people wanted me to do. For 13 years, I have been punishing myself- putting myself through HELL.... because I made that one mistake.

The feelings are intense, and I can honestly say I have never had this insight before. I knew I had a lot of feelings. I knew the surgery and the eating disorder were connected. But I did not know that all the rage and loathing I felt were directed at MYSELF. I had never realized how much I despised myself for making this choice. It is difficult now, even for me to see "some good came out of this" or "everything happens for a reason," because the journey I have endured for the past 13 years- I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

My new mission... to vent this frustration and anger and get on the road to forgiving myself for making that choice when I was only -- years old. What did I know? If anything, the words "NEVER AGAIN" scream in my body when I think about that situation. Never again will I let someone else's hysteria force me into making a rash decision about my own life. NEVER AGAIN.

It's not like the sugar cravings and the eating have stopped- but it is like a door has been opened... I have an insight, an awareness. A new sense of what has been going on. An end, partially, to the confusion and the frustration. At least I know what the feelings are, and I know who they've been directed at. This is HUGE, people, I can't even tell you...... something I've been trying to figure out for YEARS!!!!!!!

So, slightly stunned... dazed a bit... but, feeling hope for the first time in a long time.

Some other notes:

Got a text from Luke the other day, that he was back in town. We all know how I feel about texting. Why hasn't he figured it out yet? Blah, blah, so boring. I am kind of sick of him already. He is just tooo much of a player... all he seems to do is party, and then he posts 160 new photos to his FB page every week or so with images of himself, different people hanging off his arms (lot of them women), drink in hand and stupid hat on his head. Apparently the other night he had a "last minute party" but there were some posts on there of women in lingerie? I didn't get it. One, yes, I will admit, I feel insecure because when I look at his page he apparently hangs out with all these model types and I DO NOT look like any of that... but two, I can already tell he is not interested in me enough and I am less interested in making him interested... although he might be good practice for being rejected by someone I don't care for that much (a la Swing), there is a part of me that just doesn't want to put that kind of energy forward.

Elliot- what a dick. I posted something on my FB page that was benign. He tried to message me something dirty about it. It was gross- I was so disgusted that I didn't even respond. What I am starting to think is that for some reason Elliot thinks that there is still some kind of chance for us to at least fool around on some level. It skeeves me, how else can I say it? Plus, he is simply obsessed with his ex-girlfriend Valerie and who and what she is doing now- he says it is in the interest of protecting her, that she is hanging out with bad people- he is hell-bent on eking out every bit of evidence to prove how "evil" this new guy is, and present it to Valerie. Valerie emailed him and told him that she doesn't want to talk to Elliot anymore, so no more conversations, emails, texts, or anything. I can't say I blame her- he is irritating.

I tried to point out to him that he might possibly be triggered, and rather than this being entirely an episode of Elliot exposing a "bad guy".... could it be that he has been very hurt by Valerie leaving him? He just does not buy into that, because he relies totally, tirelessly on logic- logic to the point of ridiculousness.

Just now I got a forward from him, dissing some other forum... Elliot refers to himself as "an empowered man dating empowered women". Ha! Elliot is 32 years old, has never lived alone or paid rent. He lives with and works for his ex-girlfriend... he is AFRAID to move out... he is more like a BOY than a man... he is terrified... I don't see him as empowered at all! He is like a kept little kid. Dork.

Ugh. Enough venting about him.

Jerry and I are supposed to be getting together tomorrow/today... but where? when? None of that has been established.

Bwah.

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