Dear Diary,

Well, I don't feel much like writing, but I will anyway.

Last night I flew home- and sat next to a total dick. He was a younger guy, it started out all right- he was giving me compliments and okay I can handle that, a younger guy hitting on me. But then he just started lying, like about how old he was, and all that- and it was really bad, so bad I couldn't play along, and bad enough that when I told him it was obvious he was lying about his age and experience, he still wouldn't stop. So I just refused to talk to him for the rest of the flight.

Traveling home by bus, I responded to Smitten's photo with a photo of my own. He wrote back a few minutes later, asking the location where I took it- so I responded that it was near Stacey's house, and attached a couple more photos, one with me in it. Then I promptly worried about how I looked in the photo.

This morning there was another email waiting for me from Smitten. You can assume that all the text back and forth here are individual emails:

HIM: you don't look happy in that photo... :-( hope you actually are happy!

ME: I know I realized after I sent it... haha! in reality I didn't sleep well the night before and I was just tired!
This statue reminds me of you...
(sent him another photo of statue of a guy with his tongue out)

HIM: Because it's ugly?

ME: No, the tongue. I've been fantasizing about a nice tongue...

(btw, this goes back to some previous incidents where Smitten and I stick our tongues out at each other. I realize I have never mentioned this before, so if this exchange seems odd, this is what I'm referring to)

HIM: Do you want me to lick you?
(As I've mentioned in the past, Smitten can be a little vulgar at times)

ME (taken somewhat aback by this blatant statement, but figuring what the hell, I kinda DO want Smitten to lick me, but I want some other things too): Yes. But first I want you to kiss me so well that I forget my own name. Some really good kissing. Can you do that?

(nothing)

(nothing)

(nothing!)

Dude, WTF? I swear, there might be something really wrong with this guy. He can talk and write about eating me out, but disappears when I ask him about kissing me? Plus he just HASN'T ever kissed me in person when I have definitely given him the BIG green light about that. I'm starting to think that Smitten might not like kissing.

So, needless to say, I felt a little rejected at this point. I figured I would take a risk and if Smitten's gonna talk dirty, I'll ask for what I really want... yeah... I do wanna fool around with him, and I am also getting really tired of waiting to be kissed. Jeez. And then he disappears? We could have continued on that path of dirty talk for a while if he had responded.

Then I thought, well maybe he does just want to fool around and not kiss, I mean, people actually do it that way... but, I WANT to be kissed... dammit. And then I thought about what I always tell my girlfriends, about how they are deserving. And I said to myself, it's not unreasonable at all that I should want this- this is my dealbreaker. I don't want to have intimacy with a guy that won't kiss me.

I mean really. There was one point, where I was dating The Ex (the guy that tried to convince me to move back to my hometown to co-habitate with him), when this subject came up. When we first got together, we made out and did all kinds of fooling around. And more fooling around and kinky fooling around. Then one day I tried to kiss him and he said he didn't want to kiss anymore, because it felt too much like "the boyfriend/girlfriend thing". For real.

I told my therapist that and I remember her saying, "That's someone who is afraid of intimacy."

Now Smitten never really came across like this, so I am confused. I am aware that I can be blowing things way out of proportion- like maybe he suddenly got busy with work and had to run? It's possible. But, it all seems weird to me, the whole kissing avoidance thing. Feels a little too coincidental at this point.

So let's just say I'm a little confused. It really could be anything. Maybe he is baiting me, building the suspense. Maybe he doesn't have confidence in himself as a kisser, because maybe somebody complained in the past. Maybe he is busy or distracted. Maybe he's just not that into me? Maybe I should erase his name from my phone again.

Whatever. I know I sound like an adolescent, but this plays on all my abandonment stuff. It brings up all my frustration, my feelings of, "Why can't somebody just love me????" Well the truth is lots of people DO love me, I just have a tendency to forget it. And most of all I want a someone, a partner, to love me the most. And I told Smitten that, on our first date, so maybe he's bugged out. Who knows.

Blahblahblahblah blah!

Now about an hour ago Smitten sent three photos in one email with the title, "Which do you like best?" but it is the kind of email that looks like it has gone out to a group of people; it's not specifically addressed to me. So I'm not answering. He wants to play games, whatever... I'm not making myself more crazy than I already am!

And we know that I am crazy.

So... now... what happens? I don't know. I go to sleep.

Saw Bethany today and met her brother, who is in town visiting. We hung out and decorated eggs... it was fun... Bethany acts a little different around her brother, but I guess that's normal.

I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow.

Love,
Duck

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