assumptions and reflections [ 2009-04-13, 2:43 p.m. ]

#3

Dear Diary,

Tried to go to bed at a decent hour, but I was still rolling around. Oh no. I don't want to think that I've lost my sleeping mojo. I will indeed be sad.

That means that Smitten has to GET HIS ASS BACK HERE with his friggin' needles, whether he wants to kiss me or not.

Yes, sleep is more important than kissing... far moooore important.

I have calmed down a bit on that front. I actually had a dream about Smitten- we were holding hands. I don't know what else we were doing or where we were going. Something else was definitely going on, but all I can remember at this point is the holding hands part. That seems to be a common theme that has happened before. Usually I am very good at remembering my dreams, but because of my poor ability to fall asleep, I actually slept on and off till 1pm... so there were layers of dreams, making it kind of impossible for me to remember.

Now... I am still in my pajamas, but I finished my mass email that I had to finish, so I choose to feel good about that. I have to return something to the library, before they charge me many dollars for it. And I have to send in a tax extension form. Even though I sent everything off to my accountant friend and was on time, technically- well my accountant had a death in the family and won't have time now to do my taxes by deadline. And since my accountant is my friend and I don't pay a thing, I really can't complain, can I?

So. Bethany called me today but I was kind of annoyed because I had a lot to do, and also I hadn't eaten anything. I should pay more attention regarding picking up the phone. If I am working, and don't really want to be interrupted, I shouldn't pick up, no? And I need to get back on the stick as far as eating. Maybe I will take my few measly dollars and go to the grocery store today, so I can at least have some decent food in the house.

Yesterday I bought chocolate muffins. My downfall.

I have to do some laundry before my date with Luke on Wednesday... I don't have anything decent to wear. And he may want to take me on his motorcycle, but I do believe that none of my jeans fit at this moment. I will definitely have a muffin top and that makes me sad.

But I did it to myself!! So what can I say?

I think I will go for a walk. I do have a little more work to do before tonight. But I need to get outside while the sun is still shining.

I guess, too, I will respond to Smitten's email at some point. I realize that I feel rejected by small actions, then I do some sort of "punishing" behavior in reaction- withdrawing, silent treatment, etc. But the truth is, I don't always know what is going on. Like before. I assumed he was a total dick because I hadn't heard from him, and it turns out his dad had died. And now... I don't know. I am not a big fan of email anyway. And this is what happens when one tries to communicate with someone like that. I work on a lot of assumptions about how people feel about me, most of them in the negative. Which is just a reflection of how negatively I feel about myself. Says a lot.

So who knows. Who knows what is going on? Maybe it is all an invitation for another learning experience. To actually see how bad I feel about myself.

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