#2

Dear Diary,

I was feeling like I wanted to wring Keith's neck, so I did some anger release and then called him. I just told him that I needed more details about his trip and the work we would be doing together. He really heard that I needed more clarity and we spent almost two hours on the phone hammering out details of a presentation, so at least I have a sense of the form of the thing and now I am feeling better.

Plus, I just know that I have a lot of anger bottled up on principle and I NEED to do my anger stuff everyday or I just get bitchy. I even feel better about the whole Smitten thing. I mean really, I don't know what his deal is, but after discharging a bunch of YUCK I feel like I can just accept him for who he is. After all, we are not committed to anything- not even in a relationship, so he doesn't OWE me anything. Ok, he's a little bad at communicating. He might be a flake. Maybe he is not going to be my boyfriend, or anyone significant in my life. And maybe my life will be the better for it! I have to stop trying to FORCE relationship to happen. It doesn't work like that!

Wow I just feel like so much of my energy gets caught up in trying to figure people out and make things happen. More than anything, just in the realm of my love life. I know it's because I'm terrified and afraid that deep down I'm unloveable so I feel like I have to fight for every scrap of love that comes my way. But I'm working on it. Phew.

So after my talk with Keith, I had to explain a bit to him about how FB works (he was freaking out about something he thought someone posted on his wall, but it wasn't the case), and then I was feeling ravenous so I just ate some pizza. A shitty day foodwise, that is for sure. But I got through the day. Tomorrow, more work on the computer and then I am going in at nighttime.

I spoke with Delia today and she and Bud are going to send me a new DVD player. What can I say, I will take it. I don't really have two pennies to rub together, so, I am really just out of pride as well. Delia also asked me if I wanted Netflix because she will get me a membership as a present. I said yes I would like it. I think it would make my life a bit easier in that I can get newer movies and series than the library has, and there are no late fees. Why not?

I hope I can sleep now. It seems to be getting a little more difficult these days. Don't want the insomnia to come back!!

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