Dear Diary,

What to say? Last night I took three sleeping pills, I was exhausted, but super awake by 3am. And up until 6 or so.

So I'm giving up on the idea of sleeping. Why put myself through the frustration? For now, I am the girl who doesn't sleep normal hours, like normal people. And as a result of my late (or early) bedtimes, I sleep away the afternoon, and spend the day feeling slightly off.

The only thing I really did yesterday was go to the bank, and to the grocery store. I decided I am once again going to try to do what I know is good for me. Lots of protein and vegetables, minimal carbs and diary. And, no sugar. But first I had to finish off the box of cookies in the cupboard. I may be hopeless.

But I bought some fruit, and will try to eat fruit everytime I have a craving for something sweet.

I mailed out checks to some people I've owed money to (for a while now!) so that felt good. I finished a project for Ginny, sent my dad a birthday card, and called a guy who owes me money. Actually I've called everyone who owes me money- two women just ignore me completely, and at least this guy is dedicated to paying me back. I think at one time he was in Debtor's Anonymous, so I admire his integrity.

Anyhow. Ginny sent out an email to everyone who came to her party, apologizing. She insists she was just really tired after a conference weekend, and only had two drinks. But my, I don't think that woman should drink when she is tired. She looked and acted like she was totally inebriated, and it was... sad.

I made an appointment with another practitioner on Monday. Supposedly this guy specializes in the treatment of insomnia. I wish he could have seen me today, or tomorrow. But Monday was the earliest I could get in. I am desperate for proper sleep, especially since I've had a taste of it in the past few months. You can bet that over the years I've tried absolutely every pill, herb, meditation, and whatever people think will make a person sleep. I am not interested in any more products, I want BALANCE in my body. For it to work like it should.

I am giving up on Smitten. He ignores me outright at this point, which is strange and hurtful. Maybe I am really annoying- I don't think I am, and I take care not to, but maybe that just makes me more annoying. Like John- I notice that he is always worried about doing the wrong thing, so he overdoes it with compliments and trying with humor and it is more annoying than amusing.

I miss M, or part of him. I don't know him anymore. I don't even know what I miss. Who is he now? Who am I? I must be somewhat different. My brain can't even compute who we would be together. I still can't stand the thought of him moving on, because I haven't moved on. I have so much anger in me still, about being left, about not being chosen, about finding his porn sites depicting his "type" of women- the type I could never be. I am sick of my own story. He can't possibly be THAT wonderful, but by telling that story, I can be terrible, and unworthy, and that seems to be what I choose.

What the hell happened to me in my life, that I would create this for myself and torture myself this way? Why would I deprive myself? What makes me so awful, so less deserving than anyone else? Truthfully I know there is nothing. But I cannot seem to get around my own thoughts and negative beliefs about myself. I can't seem to get out of my own way.

I have to go to work.

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