Dear Diary,

What a mess I am. I am so twisted over this guy.

(M, that is - like you didn't know).

I really thought I was going to fall asleep... but I didn't. Cried instead. Oh well, the little Chinese man said not to rush it, it is a process. He also informed me there could be "side effects". I'm assuming weeping is one of them.

Now, M... I'm thinking, again and again, of the fact that he didn't want to see me. He didn't tell me to my face that he wanted to see other people... he told me after five months of separation. He made the decision... after the last time he saw me, that it would be the last time? I don't know.

I know, in all rational likelihood, that people don't necessarily plan those kinds of things. That he was probably really afraid to look me in the face, for many reasons. But it is a blow- to my ego, I guess- and... a very vulnerable part of me that loved him like I never loved anybody. It hurts, Diary. It hurts like a motherfucker, even now.

And I know it's my ego that says, I cannot call him, I cannot contact him now, where I am... because I am still so fucked up over it. I am a mess... my weight, my finances, my life... I am no more straightened out than I was three, six, nine months after he left. I might be more fucked up than before, I don't know.

I tell myself that maybe, if I could just get something else going on in my life, maybe something with Smitten, or some other guy, it would help. It would be all right. It might even give me the courage I need to call up M, exchange our stuff, maybe even see him. Knowing that I had somebody at home waiting for me. Somebody to wrap their arms around me after I had looked into M's eyes after a year and a half- those eyes I thought I'd be looking into forever, when I birthed my children, bought my house, maybe even the last eyes I looked into before I passed away.

Because I really don't know what would happen. I guess I am terrified. I am terrified because M plays a good game. When his shields are up, he is like iron. He doesn't feel anything, and you can't feel anything from him- he is locked off, and you are out in the cold.

Me. I'd be out in the cold. I am very aware that I could see him again and maybe, I guess, maybe- the attraction could be gone. I could look at him from this place of growing- and I've been growing- I could look at him and see how cramped he really is, how stuck in his head with all his self-criticism, his stories about how things are supposed to be, how he can never make that happen, how he is bad and wrong... all the things that block him from receiving love from anybody- and maybe I would just say, "Wow, he is just not ready. Nice guy, but not ready. Not big enough for me. I need somebody big." Maybe it wouldn't be as painful as I fear.

But maybe, maybe it would be devastating. Maybe my heart could shatter into tinier pieces than it already has. Maybe I would be undone, grief so hard and so deep that would make the last year and a half seem like nothing. Maybe I would not be able to hold back my tears, my longing, and I would look like a fool. And maybe none of that would reach him, and he would look at me with pity- "Poor Duck, she never moved on," - as he tells me about his newest, hottest girlfriend with pale skin and perfect hair.

I don't think I could handle it.

Not now.

I am probably stronger than I think, and maybe my fears are bigger than reality. I suppose I could live through it- more heartache. But do I want to? There are those that believe that I should see him. Some, who now think he's a piece of shit, want me to see him so he can further reveal his piece-of-shitness - he will be guarded, he will tell me he's moved on, fucked 40 other women, smoking pot again, doing whatever- and he will crush the last pieces of me. And my friends will say, sorry, it needed to happen, so you can get over him. And I will come home and be shattered again... another year of surviving day by day, lost in a grief that no one else understands or can hold space for.

Or, like my therapist... who believes, she says, that I might have a chance. That I have to at least try it. That maybe it's not all one-sided.

I don't know who to believe. Because I have my own story where I always lose- I hate that story, and I know it's a story, but I can't seem to get myself off the hamster wheel nonetheless. Dammit.

(more tears)

Okay. Big breath. We know that all of this is not necessarily about M. It is about a longtime grief I've never been able to name.

I want to ask, what do I know about myself?

Here we go.

1. I am a strong person, and I work hard.
2. I have an inner beauty.
3. I am a good partner, with a lot of love to give.

Hmm. That's all I can come up with at the moment.

I have been reading take-two's diary- from the beginning- I find her inspiring. Her story of loving someone deeply, it not working out... moving on, being strong, believing in herself.

I could take a tip from that.

So I want to mention that I saw Elliot the other day. It was actually nice- we had a chat- he is his usual self- all he really talks about is sex and food. He is such a geek... at any rate, I stopped over at his house. His ex-girlfriend was there (yes, they still live together- and she is like 20 years older than him), she and I actually get along really well, so I don't mind her at all. I just think Elliot is weak, for never moving out. He doesn't even have a bedroom- he sleeps in the living room.

Anyhow, that's hardly the point. We were hanging out in the kitchen, and I said to Elliot, "Aren't you going to tell me I look pretty?" He laughed and said, "Yes, I was wondering if I should... but I noticed when you walked in... you look great in black. And I love the lipstick."

That's one thing Elliot is good for. He appreciates a woman with curves, and is free with the compliments... and he loves it when I tell him to tell me I'm pretty. He thinks it's hilarious when I interrupt him and tell him to give me compliments.

And as I mentioned previously, I finally got my new vibrator. I know I am in debt up to my eyeballs, but my girlfriend said she could get me one at cost. So! Half price! Who can resist? It's been a long few months.

No word, of course, from Smitten. But I guess it's only been 10 days, and that's not a big deal. In girl-time it feels forever. In guy-time, that's probably like, one minute.

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