dirt, men and a visitor [ 2009-05-13, 11:14 a.m. ]

Dear Diary,

Got my eyebrows done. Halleluyaaaa..... they were bad, very bad. Stopped in at the restaurant and Jim was there, Simon was not. So hung out a bit there. You know they feed me for free, but I didn't want to just eat and run. Jim's baby girl is 10 months old, and they have another baby boy on the way- in two months. That's some serious baby-making.

There's really not too much for Jim and I to talk about, especially now that he's married and everything. He's pretty religious, and I know that's why I wasn't invited to the wedding. I know I would be considered "a wordly woman" compared to his virgin bride....

Whatever. I guess you could be one or the other... and I'd rather be wordly. Like that movie "Dangerous Beauty", about the courtesan Veronica Franco... and her uptight married friend comes and begs her to take her daughter and make her a courtesan, because otherwise she knows her daughter will just be a piece of property for the rest of her life- uneducated, making babies, with no ability to relate to the world.

Give me wordly every time.

I found myself really missing Nia and Lee's little baby. I guess he grew on me. I called Nia and she said that he was looking for me, saying his version of my name, and was kind of upset that I wasn't there. That breaks my heart a little bit.

While in the neighborhood of Jim and Simon's restaurant, I bought a pan for cooking and the special food that Keith requires, then I took the bus home. I continued cleaning, but everything just felt so overwhelming. I called Will and told him I hadn't gone into town after all, but he could still come here if he wanted.

He came over, and even though I straightened a lot, the place still wasn't as clean as I would have liked it to be. When I thought about seeing my apartment through someone else's eyes, I find that parts of it could really be cleaned more often... like the dishdrainer is white plastic but gets kind of a film on it from the water dripping down... I know I should clean it but I never feel like it. Cleaning is not my thing. For real. Oh well.

So Will gave me a massage (clothing on) which felt really nice. I am still not that attracted to him, which is too bad. Really to look at him he is handsome, with dark skin and nice eyes, and one would expect a booming voice to come out of him like a gorgeous Black man. But instead he talks sometimes almost in a whisper, in a high voice. Hmph. There's a part of me that just wants to shake him and say, "Be a MAN. Be manly!" But I don't think he'd get it.

So... he would have stayed forever if I let him, but I was cold, and tired, and just told him I needed to go to sleep. Uh, after I called Bethany, and chatted with Elliot online.

And I did sleep, then Keith called and woke me up at 9:30am, he was outside my front door. He's crashed out in my bed right now... I think I'm going to go to the store. I really want to eat muffins, so maybe I will get some, but not chocolate.

I have actually been doing okay with sugar... Nia and Lee have a lot of fruit in the house, with the baby and everything, so I was trying to eat that whenever I wanted something sweet. And twice I did hit Nia's very small stash of M&M's... only eating about 4 candies each time. So that's pretty good, considering when I am home alone I will eat whole boxes of cookies and eclairs and what have you. It's a slippery slope for me, that's for sure.

And again I was witness to the scope of my problem the other day... Nia and I went for a long walk to the store... I had to get a card for my mom, and she was running to get groceries. So I took the dog (I love taking him in stores- I keep him on a short leash and no one ever seems to mind- ) and she went across the street to the supermarket. I bought a card, and two containers of TicTacs. I wanted chocolate, but figured TicTacs were a good substitute. Except I ate a whole containter and a half in the parking lot waiting for Nia to get back... once sugar touches my lips, it is a done deal. It's my crack. I am done for in that realm...

Huh.

So...

I just have to go day by day. Chocolate is my real weakness, so I have to stay away. I also have to make sure I eat enough good food so I don't get starving and then shove a bunch of cookies in my mouth.

So I guess, while Keith sleeps I will go to the grocery store.


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