Dear Diary,

Here I am again... Yesterday I left Keith alone here and went to work with Carla. It was actually nice- I get a little nervous around Carla's abilities, because it seems to me that SHE gets nervous. But it all turned out okay. And I even made some money!

I also realized how glad I was... someone was talking and I had a fleeting thought... that I was glad I wasn't looking at Keith- oh I know, that sounds terrible, but being with him on a regular basis is very intense. He requires a lot of attention and help to stay on track. So I think this amount of space is incredibly good for us.

Afterward, I met up with B and his son, and we went to get something to eat with Bethany. I called Keith, and told him I was going to get something to eat- he was asleep when I got home.

I know I could go to bed earlier nowadays if I tried, but I am totally addicted to reading diaries till 2am. (Poor excuse, I know...)

This morning Keith called me a control freak. I know he was probably only kidding, but I told him that I didn't want him to call me that, and also that it wasn't fair at all. I live in a very small space, and rather than being like I was in the old days- the days when Alphie would come and trash my house, use everything, use me, and then leave with never a word of gratitude or correspondence until he needed something again.... those days are over. Now instead, what I am establishing are my boundaries. I ask you to make sure the shower curtain is closed on one side because otherwise the entire bathroom gets flooded with water. Or using my appliances a certain way because I don't want my stuff messed up. That's a right I have, don't I? Otherwise, I wouldn't say anything and I would just become resentful, and anger would leak out.

I told all this to Keith and cried a bit when I said it, but I said it. He assured me he was only kidding, and even repeated back what I said to him so I would know that he heard me. I know, and he knows, that all of this is related to my relationship with my parents, and the fact that they invaded my space, my body, and my life on a regular basis- except where I needed them.

After that, Keith said he was even more grateful that he was here and I was letting him stay- it is a big deal for me to have someone here, staying in my house. It is not as easy as it is for some other people.

Oh. And another email from Alphie:

"Hello Duckie,
I have missed you! I have a question....
Your class with Serena is coming to the end soon.
I was wondering how your mindset is around us?
It seems like it would be a shame if you came here each month then graduate and we never hang out. The next thing you know you will be back home with no class to jump on a plain for.......
Please share your thoughts
Much love Alphie"

And yes, the misspellings are his.

I don't know- when I first read this, I felt a little fear inside. And now reading it again, I feel some anger... that he waited all this time, intimating that I wouldn't be "ready" or mature enough to hang out with him until Serena's class is over...

But. There is another way to look at it too. He must honestly miss me, to come back around and reach out like this. And maybe he wasn't ready, but he projected it onto me not being ready- that's still a very Alphie move that I don't like. And maybe, Serena told him to wait. But I don't know about that. Alphie doesn't really ask many people for advice. But he might have talked about me to Serena, because he trusts her. Hard to tell.

Well, I guess I don't have to make a decision today... I suppose I can give it some thought.

I sleep enough, but not well. I had some crazy sex dreams. Good though. I could use some crazy sex in my life.

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