Hi Diary,

Yesterday was just too hectic- I was too exhausted to update.

I got up early and went to see the little Chinese man... he gave me three new techniques for sleeping. As of now, I can fall asleep around 2am, which I suppose is pretty good, but I wanted to just go and see this guy regardless.

I also stopped at the store and got special food for Keith, then came home and started cleaning, again. Everyday I have been cleaning in preparation for Keith's clients to come over, and yesterday I felt justified in taking a percentage, because I am just tired of cleaning and rearranging, big time. And Keith just doesn't have the capacity to really help me... an hour before people are supposed to be here, and he says, "Well, I guess I better get in the bath," Pretty much, his job is to get HIMSELF ready, while I clean, put away everything, set up the space for several people to be here, vacuum, etc.

But I knew he was like this before he got here... so I just have to take it in stride. And it will all be okay.

Last night as Keith and I were going over our business finances, lo and behold Smitten called. He left a truly goofy message on my voicemail... saying it's been a long time since we talked and everything. No shit. And he told me that tomorrow (today) he would be in my hometown airport- for one hour- on the way to Europe.

His message was kind of a turn off. He didn't acknowledge me at all 3 or 4 weeks ago- (when I needed him- I called and said that I really wanted to talk to a real person- basically implying that I needed some kind of support. Or maybe it wasn't that clear). But I am getting a whiff of the former behaviors of Wisconsin here. Doesn't answer the phone. Can't find him when you want him. Breezes in when he feels like it, on the way to somewhere else. Of course everybody has the right to be who they are, but there is something to be noticed about Relationship Material- and if he's just not that into me. I didn't call him back, and don't really feel like doing so. I have to think about it. His birthday is in a couple of days, so maybe I'll just text him (gasp! you know how much I hate and disrespect texting) happy birthday and have fun in Europe.

Whatever.

I had a dream about M too. I wish I could remember the details, but all I remember is I was washing something soapy in the sink, and talking to another woman about M, and it was established that he had turned into a dog of a man- the phrase in the dream was that he had been "licking around"- (fucking around, but he was a big fan of oral sex. Makes me think of Mr. Pussy from STC)... anyway I woke up depressed about it. I don't know why I still give a shit at this point, or why it's taken over a year for all my anger and jealousy to come up. It sucks. I feel bad.

I looked up in the dream dictionary, and all it said about soap and washing was letting go of some emotions and blah blah blah. Well obviously I should do that.

Interestingly enough, before Smitten's phone call, I was talking to Keith about finding a boyfriend. He was saying that all of his women friends (I actually don't think he has many guy friends) are finding boyfriends. I asked why that wasn't true for me, and he said because I am still on the rebound (goddammit). And I was getting all depressed and saying what was wrong with being in love with M, couldn't I just still love him yet meet someone else, and okay, if I could love that person too, or maybe they would just be better for me?

And Keith said, "Well, let's turn it around... if you met a guy and he was in love with someone else, and maybe thinking he could still be in love with that person, but he just wanted to meet someone better- would you want that guy?"

Uh. Good point.

And, I realized that's actually exactly what I had gotten.... Smitten IS in love with someone else. I can tell- on our first date I sensed a deep sadness and heartbreak. I can tell by the poem he posted last week. And I can tell because he's not that into me. So I attracted exactly who I am. And it doesn't feel good.

But my next question of course was how do you stop being in love with a person?

And Keith didn't know the answer to that one.

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