Dear Diary,

Yesterday I got my ass to the hardware store, and bought some paint and a brush to work on my shelf. I also stopped by the frame shop, and ordered my matte for the print I purchased some time ago.

I was at home on email when B IM'd me... I asked him if he and his girl wanted to go to the movies. He said yes, and we made plans to meet at 7:30. I was there first, of course, B came next, and then lastly, and lately, his girl. He was a little irritated, I could tell, that she was late (and she had the tickets). B thought that maybe she went to Burger King, but it turns out she had a couple of shopping bags and had been looking at shoes. By the way B sighs and continuously rolls his eyes, I think he is kind of tired of her constant whining, and shopping.

The movie was cute, to a point... and then we went to a lame restaurant afterward... it was kind of ghetto. The tables were sticky, the service was terrible- B and his girl were pretty much convinced that the waitress was treating me badly because I am obviously of mixed race and have the lightest skin out of all of them (B, Girl, and Waitress). Like she was walking away from me when taking my order- she never really made eye contact- was in a huff when she brought me a water glass full of ice and I reminded her I asked for it without ice. Then at the end of the meal she threw the check in front of ME... it was just rude.

I was toying with the idea of going away this weekend, but when I woke up I could very much tell that it may not be the best time of the month for me to travel. For one, I am already getting cramps. I really can't imagine taking a 3 hour bus trip, being surrounded by people at the camp and not having a pre-determined place to sleep. Plus other factors such as running out of water or something equally unsatisfactory.

I knew this cramping problem existed, of course, and last month I already decided I was done with it. OTC drugs don't help... so I decided to turn to other means, and get something, uh, medicinal. Turns out a friend of a friend of Bethany's gave me a little bit of something really good... and I was feeling REALLY GOOD earlier today.... couldn't get much done though, and it made me really tired and gave me the munchies. But I think it's better than the alternative- being completely wrung out and exhausted by pain, nauseous as soon as I stand up or try to move, etc. Now you know me and most of the time I like to be stone sober and enjoy life, but I am done with the pain. I've actually been holding onto that stuff for 3.5 weeks because it is only for medicinal purposes- that's how non-addictive I am... I couldn't even convince myself to "party" with it. As a painkiller, though, it is the best.

I watched a few shows online, and went back to the frame shop and got my matte, and went to the grocery store as well. I was getting a lot of looks and compliments, even though I feel like a fat schlub and my thighs are rubbing together quite viciously these days... I guess I still have curves. I had thrown my hair up, and a dress that just shows off my body shape well, and I was wearing big knock-off dark sunglasses. I guess it's all a good look for me.

Now you know me, I'm a kind of spiritual girl and I believe that pretty much everything happens for a reason... a few weeks ago I lost a pair of sunglasses on the plane, and I was bummed.

If you know me, I don't really buy a lot of new things every year, like a lot of women. Some of the dresses and things that I have are several years old! But they still look good- I wash everything in cold water and don't put it in the dryer. And I have my own sense of style, so it's never about being "in fashion". I might have what they call a "timeless" sense of fashion. But I know how to choose necklines and hemlines and cuts that look best on my body, and that is what makes a timeless wardrobe. One thing that often depresses me is seeing women wearing the latest and "hottest" fashions- when those fashions obviously DON'T look good on them. It's tacky and it looks like you're wearing somebody else's clothes.

Anyhow. These sunglasses- I had two pairs that M bought me some time ago. I was always struggling to find sunglasses that look good on me... believe me it has been quite a struggle. And then when M and I were shopping, he bought me two pairs. They were each tinted a different color, which was great because I could pretty much match to any outfit with those two colors.

And I left a pair on the plane, and I was sad. But the other day when Bethany and I were out, we tried on a bunch of glasses, and I found a dark pair that look pretty decent on me. I didn't even have money on me, but Bethany, being my friend, fronted me the money. It almost makes me feel bad for complaining about her complaining. Almost...

In any case, I was thinking about it today.... losing glasses from M, getting new glasses... NEW VISION. A New Point of View. Changing the way I look at things. However you want to say it- I can think of it as quite symbolic.

And I thank God for the beautiful men that love them some curvy, chubby women, because they just make my day.

(sigh).

I came home and watered my plants, and put my print in the matte and the whole thing in the frame. It looks pretty good. The frame itself was cheap, but I am not worried about that now. I like the print more than anything, and I think it will look nice once I put it up.... now where did I put that hammer?

I thought a lot about drama... and stories. So many diaries, I noticed, are authored by women, and there are a lot of us out there who write about unrequited love, the one that got away, our stubborn heartbreaks, etc. I am wondering what part of my own belief system has contributed to my story, and what I can do to change it. I don't want to be caught in my own drama anymore.

I notice people create their own dramas. Gail is a perfect example for me- everything she complains about, she mostly brings upon herself. And then she seems to revel in it, like a pig in muck.

I could say the same for myself. How much do I "revel" in my stories of abandonment and neglect? How much do I tend to think that some man's action (or inaction) defines me, defines my worth? Even though my adult brain knows better, there is a small part of me that tends to believe otherwise, and that's the part that needs to GET IT. A woman who constantly needs to REMIND a man how wonderful she is, and what he has lost, is still not loving herself... is she trying to convince HIM, or she trying to convince herself? What does it say about me that I hold a torch for a man who has not spoken to me in over a year? That I worry about where he is, who he is with? And is she prettier than me? Why would this matter? It's not me.

Where is my self-love?

I forgot to mention, that on my last flight I watched "C0nfessions of A Sh0p@holic" and was deeply disappointed. I read the book, which was cute in it's own British, campy way. But the movie... they pretty much changed the plot, and the ending... it was so not worth the extra $5 I paid to watch it. Really. Don't trouble yourself.

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