Hi Diary,

I really want to call Smitten today.

I know. WTF? I have a severe Obsession About Unavailable Men thing. I am aware of it. So aware of it, in fact, that I know that if I like someone, he will probably disappear.

Sad, huh?

I'm feeling even worse now, because Keith had a friend come and pick him up and take him to lunch. This is the same friend that was here two years ago, and having problems with his wife, and Keith was kind of counseling them. The guy wanted to go out and sleep with lots of other women, and his wife of course was resistant to that idea.

Well what happened over time was that the couple split up, and the guy DID go out and sleep with a bunch of women- then he met a younger woman, he was kind of into her and got afraid again and told her that he wanted to sleep with lots of people... her response was, "Cool, that's fine with me..." and she went out and slept with someone else before the guy even had a chance to, which drove him CRAZY... and then of course made him want to commit to her, and now they are all in love and committed and having a baby together.

So Keith went out with them and said it is just so wonderful to see them together and their relationship is so awesome, and yes he really loved the guy's ex-wife but now he can see just how much better these two are for each other, etc etc.

So why does this bug me so much? Because this whole thing started when M and I were still dating... and it reminds me of him... it reminds me of our relationship... and it kind of resonates of a similar energy. Meaning, that M left because he felt too "fused" with me, that he didn't know who he was, but toward the end he was also talking about how he wanted to have "experiences". Though he did not specify exactly what those were, he really didn't have to- he was talking about sex. And even though I let him go, with (what I think is) a great deal of grace (I was never angry; did not call him any names or belittle him- I didn't cling to him and beg him not to go, even though I wanted to), I was not cool. I was not as cool as the afore-mentioned lady, because I was madly in love with the guy, and terrified of being left.

Obviously, that girl didn't have a whole lot of abandonment/rejection issues like I do. You don't know how many times I've wished that I could be that cool, and have casual sex, and not care... at times I've tricked myself into believing that I'm "healed", and I could handle it... but it never comes to pass (remember Alphie?). Somehow I just get entangled with people even when I don't "like" them that much- I get needy and wanting from them... just retriggering my rejection wound, hurting myself further...

Ugh. So I am feeling in a hole right now. My heart is aching at the thought of M out there with some "cool" woman, and, worst upon worst, having a child with her. Having moved on. What I hate the worst is feeling used. Maybe he didn't have the intention of using me as a rebound girl to recover from his divorce, but that is what I'm feeling like right now.

And, I know truthfully that I did the best I can with what I had... I really tried my best to look at myself and be responsible for my own feelings. I know this situation has only brought up what I already feel or believe about myself... and now it's my job to look at those things and heal them.

I can hear Keith talking to Amy on the phone, and he's complaining about how he never got to go to the lakes or the forest when he's here... I somehow feel responsible for that, but know I shouldn't. He had his chance for his sister to take him (she has a car). I don't know how he expects me to take him anywhere without public transportation- and considering all his special food needs, and the multitude of supplements and other supplies he needs to bring everywhere with him, and the fact that public transportation "rattles" him- what the hell?

As usual, Duck does the best she can.

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