#2

So, I didn't do it.

I did not call him, Sam I Am, I did not call that crazy man.

I resisted the urge to call Smitten. I did, however, go visit Jimmy, and Jimmy cooked a whole bunch of vegetables in a pot, and fed me. I like that about Jimmy.

Although Jimmy seems a little strange, in that he is very quiet, and when I am there he just lies around, and I ask him questions and he answers them, but not without prodding. Such as me asking, "Do you have brothers and sisters?" .... "Yes," is his answer. Then I have to ask how many, and what number is he, etc. etc. He doesn't offer information up freely. And, he doesn't really ask questions in return, so it's almost like I've forgotten how to have a conversation with a person.

He asked me if I'd spoken to Smitten, and I said I had... "the other day" (ok it was yesterday). Then he said Smitten was coming here next month. So at least Jimmy provides me with some kind of time frame, while Smitten never does.

It's very odd, but whenever the topic of Smitten comes up, I feel like there's something someone's not telling me. Some kind of mystery there... a Smitten secret. Like some tragic love affair or a history of depression or pyromania? Who knows. I should probably try to find out, for my own good.

And I just kept on feeling depressed today... I really want love in my life. I know that a lot of people (usually people who are already in relationships) will say there is more to life than being in a relationship- yes, I know. I have great friends and I like my work and I've traveled all over the world and will continue to have and do those things. AND, I really want someone to share time with and feel love with and have experiences and intimacy and great sex with. I just do.

I just do.

(sigh).

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