#2

Okay, so, I'm not real proud of myself about much of anything right now...

I was still awake when Keith left, so we got to say goodbye. He left his telltale signature of wetness everywhere, but still after he was gone I felt lonely and sad. I also felt guilty for being annoyed so much of the time he was here, but I'm trying not to beat myself up... I mean, it would be hard for anyone to have a guest for three weeks in a one-bedroom apartment, right? A very small one-bedroom.

I finally fell asleep and dreamed a bit, but I STILL can't remember my dreams- this feels quite devastating to me, like my mind is glass and my dreams are just sliding right off. I feel like I'm missing crucial information.

But hey, what to do? This non-sleep thing feels pretty insane. Last night I blocked my number and dialed both Smitten and M- at about 3am. Of course neither one of them picked up, and hearing M's voice makes me sad and feel all those feelings once again of "How could he?"

Then I told myself, Duck, you asked the Universe to fix it, so it's being worked on, just get the fuck out of the way...

Oh, yeah. I'm a little impatient.

And, I realized as far as Smitten goes... I was going to call him but I did send him a card, and haven't heard a word about it- but I am supposing he must have picked up his mail at his brother's office by now. Still it feels stupid to be playing this game of waiting and whatever. Smitten may never show up. And I will be the Sleepless Girl forever. I had a fleeting thought that hasn't the Universe punished me enough? What now with the sleep? I mean really.

I know I am putting too much focus on other people and not on myself. And I seem to be attracted to these slippery types that keep me hanging. I don't want to do it anymore.

Ugh.

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