Hi Diary,

Well, the good news is, I am dreaming again.

The past two nights I've gone to bed at 1am or 1:30, woke up at about dawn, and went back to sleep till the afternoon. It's not ideal, but it is better for my body and brain that I can fall asleep earlier.

And, when I sleep during the day I've been able to dream, and remember them. Yesterday I had a dream that all my cousins and their kids were just getting too numerous to count, like my cousin's kids were having kids, and I couldn't keep track. And I guess one of my cousin's kids (who would be my second cousin? is that right?!) had a baby who looked just like her, really just her big adult-sized head on a little baby body. Kind of bizarre, actually.

This morning, the dream was about M. I didn't actually see him, but here's what happened: I was in a house which I considered mine in the dream, but in real life it's actually my aunt's house. My dad was there, I'm pretty sure... and there was some kind of little dog or animal that started freaking out at the top of the driveway. I looked out the window and M was coming up the steep driveway on a very shiny gold-chromed motorcycle... I was nervous about seeing him, about talking to him... next thing I know there is a very small woman, with a group of 4 or 5 people standing behind her- and she says we will all go out together (I think this is from me watching a lot of Grey's Anatomy lately- and I'm used to seeing doctors being followed by interns).

But anyway I didn't want anyone to go with me, I wanted to be with M alone. I didn't want my father to go with me, because then they would just start talking about motorcycles or something, and it would detract from M and I relating to each other. And this short woman was saying she was going out there and bringing her little troop, and I said no, and she insisted, and basically I told her, "No, you're not, and if you try, I will kill you where you stand." And I was serious- in that moment I was livid and protector-ish, and I felt like I could easily strangle her and puncture her throat with my thumbnail.

I had a key in my hand, I don't know if the key was for the motorcycle (which logically wouldn't make sense since M was already riding it) but hey, it's a dream, right?

So, of course I woke up before I went outside or got to see or talk to him. Ain't that always the way?

Whichever.

I spent the weekend dropping in on Ben and Marie's conference, mostly for promotional reasons. I just felt it was important to show my face, and get my name out there... so that is what I did. It was okay. You know I don't have much respect for Ben... Marie seems a little more put together than the last time I saw her, so that's good. I didn't have dinner with them or anything, because all was so busy. So that avoided any awkward conversation about Alphie or my sex life, although upon first seeing me Ben did remark that I look so beautiful, and did I have a lover? I guess that's the only way he thinks a woman can look good, if a man is fucking her.

I saw Gail too, she is her usual self-involved self. She says she misses me and wants to hang out, but I don't think we'll be doing any overnights. If I fall asleep at 3am and she gets up at 8am, I will not be happy. The girl doesn't know how to be quiet.

Smitten and I exchanged a couple of emails. Of course I initiated it, saying I was going to invite him to a seminar this summer but I remembered that he is afraid of me (his words, also), and why is he afraid of me exactly? He wrote back that he does not pay for stuff like that, he "doesn't need to", but that he is still afraid of me. So, I'm not sure what that means- that he doesn't have to do any personal growth work on himself because he's done? I've heard that before... ha. And he never answered my question. And, I assume by now that he has received my card and never said a word about it. So I didn't answer that email, and probably won't.

All this is strange, but normal for me. That a guy is very very interested in me and then, nothing. I didn't make that card for the reaction, but I would like to know if he got it and liked it... is that wrong? I dunno. I erased his number from my phone, again. I know it is probably another situation of barking up the wrong tree. When I get lonely I just want to reach out and call him, but it doesn't actually help me in any way. I just keep getting hurt by his actions or his inactions, so...

... please tell me life will get better.

It will, right?

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