Dear Diary,

I started writing this entry last night (at about 4:30am) and it disappeared, so now you will just get the nutshell version:

In my insomniac depression I was once again trying to find some information about M. I did find an article he wrote last summer about "freedom".

And, I googled his address and discovered that he is selling his house. I had a bit of a panic attack- that he is moving- I know it doesn't make any sense since we don't talk or communicate anyway, but I went into a panic because I feel like I have REALLY truly lost him and there will be no way to ever have him back if he moves away.

And I am too messed up, broke, fat, unhealthy and neurotic to try to approach him now.

Not to mention the fact that he still has a bunch of my stuff, and has not contacted me about it. I wonder what his plans are, if he has thrown out my things? Or has just boxed them up and is waiting for me to claim them?

I was at a loss, never went to sleep and instead went to the airport at 5:30am as if in a trance. I slept, uncomfortably, during the whole flight. John just happened to be on this side of the world and he picked me up at the airport and we went to lunch. Then I met up with Stacey and we took the bus back to her place. She and her hubby had invited the couple next door over and I got to hold their 2 month old baby, who fell asleep in my arms. Later I called Bethany and told her about the M situation. She was very sympathetic and told me it will get better and someday I will not feel this pain.

It's hard for me to believe it because it's been a year and a half of feeling this way. I don't even pull cards anymore because I feel like I'm looking at the same cards with a story that never comes true.

I am feeling rather hopeless, yes, it's true.

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