my morass, and judgments [ 2009-06-23, 3:37 p.m. ]

Well I am sitting here in my mess...

Wondering why I try so hard anyway and what it is all for. I am broke, tired, fat, unhealthy, and whatever else. I have been struggling with a debilitating disenfranchised grief for about 2 years. Some might call it depression, but I believe there is a difference.

I am tired of struggling so much to make ends meet. It doesn't make sense that I can be happy with what I do, and yet not be able to feed or clothe myself properly. I know that it seems illogical to spend so much money on school when life is like this- or maybe it's not. There are starving art students, doctors, lawyers, etc.... so maybe I am just in that phase, who knows.

All I know is that I am tired. I want more help, more support, I want things to be easier. I want less of this pain in my life. It is draining me of my will to live.

For real.

I mean really, how much can a person take?

I think about running away to a tropical island. I guess that's still a possibility. I could sell all my worldly goods and go work in some fish shack.

Till then...

Elliot is supposed to come over tonight for a "date". I'm really not looking forward to it, even though it will make me clean my house.

Don is having trouble at work, at a job that he needs much more training than he has... the only time he contacts me is when he wants something. And he wrote me a message on FB asking me to fix it for him. I wrote back that if he is in this position he should use the skills he says he has to figure it out himself. I'm tired of people leeching off me.

Yesterday I got news that Ben and Alphie are at it again. They were holding 10-day seminar and preying on female participants. One of the women left, and 4 or 5 other people followed, other women and men who were disgusted by their actions. This makes me happy because at least people are talking about it and acting on it, instead of freaking out and keeping it to themselves.

And it makes me feel somewhat justified in being wary about reconnecting and trusting Alphie. He actually sounds just the same. I don't know what I was thinking, actually- that a person can change that much in two years? It was obvious from the text messages he sent in September that he STILL doesn't take responsibility for himself. When a woman at the conference accused him of being out of integrity, and when confronted with his behavior, Alphie replied that he has been having seizures and on oxygen, and that maybe too much oxygen has affected his decision making.

Uh.

Newsflash: we are all exposed to oxygen, and yet we must be responsible for the decisions we make.

Asshole.

Will called and left a message, wants to "do something"- what a mistake this was to get involved with him on any level. The connection has no juice at all, and I can't even really tell if he thinks we are dating or he just wants to hang out, but in reality the whole thing's boring and I'd just rather be...

Alone.

Nothing from Smitten, of course, and I've just been focusing on myself, because really I should know better. If it walks like an unavailable man and talks like an unavailable man...

My house is a shambles, I'm a mess, and Elliot's coming over in a few hours. I guess I should hop to it.

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