Dear Diary,

Well yesterday was an interesting day on the planet... wasn't it?

I remember when I was 12 or so and so depressed that Michael Jackson would never be my friend. This was back before he started bleaching himself and rearranging his face, but still.

The past couple days have been okay, a mix of sleep and cramps. Wednesday night I was at Bethany's and we watched a movie till late, then I slept over (in the non-existent roommate's bed) and I slept a LONG time... till about noon. I had wanted to get home and do some work on my computer, but I was struck down with cramps, and didn't leave till almost 4pm. I came home and cleaned up a little, and did some work until B showed up and we went out to dinner. I applied for a hostess job at the restaurant we always go to, which may have been a mistake.

For one, I will probably be bored out of my mind plus it will take away the time during the day I have to get work done. But I don't know, maybe it would make me more efficient with my time? It is not much money but it would be something.

Secondly, the waiter who always waits on us seems to have some kind of little crush on me. After I gave him my number so he could call me about the job, B went to the restroom and Waiter said, "I finally got your phone number." Then he asked me if B was my boyfriend, which he is definitely not, so I said no... then Waiter was all like, "So, I can call you...??" to which I replied, "...About the job, yeah."

I felt bad for rejecting him, but I am not interested. I can already tell we don't have much to talk about, and I'm just not attracted to him. I know he likes to dance, but he also likes to drink, and I have maybe two drinks a year. Plus he strikes me as just some kind of a player.

I suppose if I had higher self-esteem and didn't fall in love with every emotionally unavailable man that I came across, we could have casual sex. But I just can't fathom it or get myself to that place... that might require more drinking. Maybe that's the problem with my life?

I am working tonight... hoping that it all goes well... and then tomorrow I am supposed to hang out with Howard. Howard is moving for the next few months and he only has a couple more weeks here... so we are going to do something. Then in the evening Bethany and I are going speed-dating. It might be the dumbest thing we've ever decided to do, I'll let you know.

It seems Marva has disappeared. We have not heard from her in almost over a month... last communications include emailing back and forth regarding trying to get me, Bethany, Rita and Marva all together. When I suggested a date, Marva wrote that she "had so much emotional stuff going on, she couldn't make plans more than a couple days ahead of time." Then, I heard that she spent 5 days or so with Ben when he was here, and then, apparently she went out of the country with Rita for 2 weeks. So apparently she was able to put her emotional stuff on hold to make those plans... Marva is indeed a mystery to me that way... she acts like she is always deep into improving herself, but I'm not exactly sure what she does. Also, she doesn't seem to work and her income is equally puzzling to me. I think her mother owns the apartment she lives in and must support her in some way. I literally have no idea what Marva does all day, yet she often complains she "needs a vacation" and can go with Rita out of the country for 2 weeks?

Hmm. I don't actually give a rat's ass if Marva's mother sends her a check every month, it's just really hard to be friends with her because she IS such a mystery. I don't know, when girlfriends talk a lot of it is about intimacy and the sharing of thoughts, feelings, and life situations. Marva doesn't really share any of that- in Bethany's words- "She doesn't tell you anything, but wants to know everything." That pretty much sums it up. Marva always wants to know all the details, but I really don't know what she thinks about her relationship with Ben, or how she feels about anything.

Here's a suspicion I have: that Marva is perhaps a bit like me. Maybe she gets really depressed and doesn't leave the house for days. Maybe she has a lot of delusions about Ben, and she thinks they will have some sort of future together, wherein she will replace Marie. (Highly unlikely. Ben has many other lovers all over the country, and tries to sleep with anyone that moves. Also, he and Marie run a business together, and Marva doesn't have half the people skills that Marie has... so if she thinks she's going to replace Marie on those levels, she is truly dreaming!)

I say similar to me because, I can be very depressed and despondent and not leave the house, and, I am attracted to unavailable men, although I am a little more realistic about it these days, where I seem to have given up the belief that I can actually change someone, or love them enough where they will love me. I'm thinking that Marva hasn't actually learned that one yet- she talks a big game, but with Ben, there's really no winning. He will do what he wants, when he wants, without a care for any other person or thing. I tried to warn her, but it is obvious that she wants to experience it for herself.

Speaking of unavailable men, I have, as you know, erased Smitten's number out of my phone. Which is good because it keeps me from calling him, which is something I wanted to do yesterday. I did send him a "what's up?" email though, and he responded that he will be here next week, "just waiting for a flight reservation." I'm not really sure what that means, doesn't everyone buy their tickets online now? Unless he is using Pr!c3Line or something.

It's the usual thing for me which is I will believe it when I see it. I'm also trying not to freak out about being so fat. He's probably unavailable anyway so, what's the point in trying to change my body for him? I've been sleeping a bit better and I know once my sleep patterns are regulated that will help my metabolism. I wore the dress I bought with Stacey the other day, and already that seems looser than when I tried it on at the store. So either I have lost a little already, or I stretched it out. Who can tell. The whole thing will be too depressing if I talk about it much more, so I'll stop.

And that is that. I just took a muscle relaxer, so I'm losing my ability to think straight. I'll have to come back later.

Love,
Duck

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