#2

Dear Diary,

Okay I am most assuredly suffering from Smitten withdrawal. Good thing I don't have his number. It's a bit scary to think just how much I'm attracted to men who appear not to care one way or the other for me, isn't it? And I could go into a litany of reasons why he has cooled off toward me- I make him nervous, he's busy, he's waiting till we're in the same state, etc. etc. But really, I know enough guys to know that if a man wants you, he will work to have you. So if he's not pursuing me, it's because he doesn't really want me that bad.

It's the same old story I've been dealing with all along. The difference now: I am very much aware of what is happening and why. I have names for these experiences and references of understanding. It doesn't necessarily make the pain go away, but it helps a bit, sometimes, to know that there might be a way out- that this is not necessarily the truth of who I am.

So who am I? I don't know. When I ask myself that question part of me just wants to rage and scream and cry and collapse. I'm just tired of the struggle- the struggle to have a sense of self worth, to get love, to not need too much, to figure it all out. I want to be on the other side of this, the side where I don't lose myself, the side where I get to have what I want and it's easier to make it happen.

Is there such a thing?

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