a little of that [ 2009-07-03, 11:43 p.m. ]

Dear Diary,

I should probably be sleeping RIGHT NOW... but I'm not.

Last night I was on my way to Bethany's when I called Will and said I didn't want to do anything, and maybe we could do something Friday (tonight). He asked me what I wanted to do. I asked him what he wanted to do. He never knows. Then I suggested a movie I want to see. He seemed disappointed, "Oh, it's going to be a movie night?" To which I retorted, "Well, you're not making any suggestions, so I made one." Then he was mumbling (which I hate, and was making me even more irritated) and then the phone cut off, for which I was grateful, and I put it back in my purse and refused to think about it anymore.

See, I like when a guy WANTS to take me somewhere, has an idea and a plan to bounce off of me. But to want something and not ask, and put the decision in my hands, then to act disappointed about my decision? That's just not cool, dude.

I went to Bethany's, and all we did is hang out... we were both tired... and I took a pretend nap for a half hour. Then I had the idea that we should have a farewell party for Howard at my house on Friday night instead of me going out with Will, but I would invite Will so he wouldn't feel bad. I called Howard, John, and texted Will the info. I called Marva and Bethany and I talked to her on speakerphone.

As I mentioned before, Marva has been MIA, but resurfaced about a week ago. She wrote to Bethany and I and said she'd been having a rough time. Her cat died, and some other things. I found out also that she has stopped seeing Ben (which we know is the best thing anyway!).

At any rate, everyone agreed to come so it was settled. Bethany and I went out for a taco. I checked my email from my phone and got some news that a friend of mine from the lake has died- not someone I was super close to, but somebody I've known for years and was hoping to see in the fall, actually. I started to cry right there in the taco place, and Bethany was very supportive.

I went home... it took me awhile because the buses are slow that late at night. But I had my book with me. I am reading "Dare to Be Great" which is a self- help type book and when I read things like that I take notes. I work really hard in my life to change my situation.

I couldn't fall asleep last night, even though I was exhausted. I had a recollection of some real anger I had at Frank- when I went to the doctor's a few years after the surgery- just for a consultation, not for an exam- and I was so traumatized that I cried throught the whole consultation. Now that I think about it, the doctor was a real jerk because she could have handled me better. The worst part was, after I went through that whole stressful fearful thing in the doctor's office, I came home and Frank asked me how it went- he thought I'd been for an exam, but when I told him it was the consultation, he DISMISSED me. What I mean is, even though I was upset, when he learned it wasn't a physical exam he said "What's the big deal? You are being so unreasonable." And he walked away from me and would not hold space for my feelings- and believe me- I was completely traumatized and upset, crying... that original surgery was a violation of great proportion to me- it changed my life and that's when I developed an eating disorder.

Anyway I hadn't thought about it but I woke up yesterday with that memory in my head, and it came back around in the middle of the night and I couldn't sleep. So I beat my pillow and told Frank what an asshole he is, until my throat was raw. Then I tapped through the remainder of the anger. It is just another violation and betrayal in my life- coming home after yet another traumatic ordeal connected with that surgery and having my significant other shut me down like that. Granted I chose him on some subconscious level, but this is probably why I still have anger at him to this day- and I really don't give a shit if I ever talk to him again.

Or maybe I should. Maybe I should tell him exactly what I think of those incidents. But, he probably wouldn't remember anyway.

At any rate, I finally fell asleep. Got up this morning and Howard came over. We did our work then he helped me get the place ready for the party. While we were cleaning Smitten called (he never called me back yesterday, but he did call me today). He said he was excited about seeing me and can't wait to hug me. I can't help it, I just get excited about seeing him too. He was running around finishing up last minute errands, so it was a short conversation, but it made me happy.

People arrived: Will, John, Marva and Bethany. Everybody brought great food and we hung out outside for the most part. Then we watched a movie, wished Howard the best and I kicked them all out!

Tomorrow I have an early morning date to meet Blaze and go to the lake. Then I will come home, shower and change and go to Jimmy's party, where I will see Smitten! I think it will be a fun day... it's about time I had a little of that!

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