good notes and an invitation [ 2009-07-06, 2:14 p.m. ]

#2

Well, first of all can I just thank the ladies who took the time to read my long-ass entry and write me a note! I really thought that entry would be too boring and long to get through! I am actually really touched that you guys have been following and give me your thoughts! This is all very heart-wrenching for me, as you know if you've been reading for any length of time, I have been rejected many times over for unexplainable reasons, and I've been on the path of self-growth to try to remedy whatever is at cause on my end!

So...

Rosie, thanks for acknowledging how frustrating this is for me! The past challenges have felt a little easier- you know, it was obvious that Elliot was not capable of giving me what I need. Anybody who saw us together couldn't imagine us together... now it seems the Universe has upped the challenge or something. I'm wondering, what am I supposed to do with this? Is this another test??? It is so fucking confusing for me. Last night I actually called Serena because I sooo wanted to talk to somebody... but she wasn't home.

No I've never posted a photo 1) because I don't know how to do links or post photos, I only know how to write an entry. My template was made by playinghouse, and we've never met in person... so actually I do not look like that sad little white girl sitting on a duck... damn I hope I do not come across as that sad in my entries either! 2) I am actually a bit shy, and afraid that if I reveal too many details online and people start to know who I am in real life, that I will stop writing so frankly in my diary and may start censoring myself. I know, maybe that's crazy... but I'm kind of a neurotic freak that way.

Boxy, you're right- I have realized the problem is not me- one, there's really nothing to do to make myself "less scary"- first it's not fair to me to dial myself down, cause then when do I get to be myself? And second, it's him... he's got to make the move... he's got to decide if he would take a risk. Maybe it's a test, because when he pulls away I DO feel bad about myself most of the time. But I have to realize it's not about me being less than, or over the top... it's his stuff. And maybe the whole dynamic is there for me to learn how to feel okay about myself whether or not somebody chooses to stay with me... I mean, that is my main problem, right? I suppose if I choose to look at it that way, it will at least give me something to do.

Actually when I frame it that way, I have an incredible amount of gratitude for Smitten because I imagine him coming from wherever souls come from, to help me learn this. So I'll never beat the crap out of myself again. And at some point or another I can have a real relationship. That just may be possible.

Signomifly- I hear you and that's why I went out with Blaze, and gave Mickey my phone number... I know I shouldn't focus all my energy on Smitten even though he is my *favorite*! Got to keep myself prettied up and in demand! Keeping my options open for the summer is indeed an excellent idea. Perhaps it should be an All Date Summer, with no intention on finding a boyfriend, but rather only with the intention of exploring as many men as possible. But not in a slutty way. Okay maybe a little bit slutty.

Last night Blaze did the right thing and called, left me a VM and said he had a nice time at the lake on Saturday and he was just checking in with me. He's okay, but as I mentioned before, no huge spark.

Smitten had also called and left a message while I was working; I called him back and left a VM. Then I couldn't resist myself- I called him back 3 hours later. He answered, and when I asked him about his day, he said he'd had a migraine all day. We were talking and I went into a store to buy some makeup remover, the cashier said something to me and I answered, and Smitten said, "I'll call you back later," which he never did. So of course I had bad feelings about me being in the store and maybe he's one of those people who hates when people are on the phone and having two conversations at once. But logically I also know that maybe he wasn't fully recovered from that migraine and chatting was taxing. I don't know. Duckie can't do everything perfectly, okay?

This morning (ahem, afternoon) I awoke to a text message from Mickey:

"Hey Duck! Awesome hangin with you Sat! Let me know if you're free this week to go grab a drink. Ciao girlie. - Mickey"

I don't mind that he's such a dork, so much as, you know how I feel about that text message thing. It is the coward's way. Sigh.

Oddly enough, also, Albert, who lives down the street (and was originally Red's friend but Red moved away) just called me up and asked if I wanted to go to a party with him tomorrow night. What have I got to lose? Think I should sit around and wait for Smitten to make a plan with me? I think not. I said yes.

Albert asked me what's been going on. I described business and life in general and said lots of boys have been asking me out lately. He said, "Hey I just asked you out, what about me?" To which I replied, "You're a man, Albert." Which made him happy. But that's kind of weird, I'm PRETTY sure he was joking... yeah, he must have been. I don't think Albert and I would make a very good couple!

So that's it for today and I've barely gotten out of bed.

I'll keep you posted- I do hope that Smitten will call me and at least offer to give me an acupuncture treatment... gah I will be so disappointed if he leaves again and I still cannot sleep well... but at this point I'm kind of afraid to call again, since I have initiated the contact the last time... I also only have Thursday night off and was considering telling him that's the one night I don't have to work and maybe we could hang out. Dunno. Any advice on this appreciated too!

Love,
Duck


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