Dear Diary,

Well I have quite a bit of catching up to do..

First off of course, I didn't sleep much at all on Friday night, but I got up at 7:30 anyway and met Blaze by 9:30am to go to the lake. He had brought a cooler and snacks, and I brought the water. He seems a little shorter than I remember. We had a nice conversation on the way, got there and picked a spot to hang out. We talked a lot, because really it was all we could do. Since summer feels like it got such a slow start, it was too cold to go swimming. Blaze went in but I did not- it was freezing.

So what did we talk about? I don't know. All manner of things- working out, work, sleeping/not sleeping, general lifestyles, blah blah blah. Blaze is okay but at times I felt like he was trying too hard- maybe a little intimidated and trying to show me that he is evolved and smart? I dunno.

The ironic thing? I was freaking out a bit before the whole deal because I am fat. Yes, I am. I know you're my friend and you tell me I look fine, Diary, but really I have gained a significant amount of weight back, and my thighs are bulging and puckered and my belly sticks out. All I could think was that Blaze is a personal trainer and he might totally reject me when he saw what I look like in a bathing suit. And then irony: he loves my legs. They are the part of my body I am most self-conscious about. He said my calves are yummy and he wants to bite them. He commented how strong and thick my legs are- I couldn't believe it- the part I was worried about the most, what the part he loved the most. (Elliot is the same way and I seem to be attracting men that love a thick woman. Maybe it is the Universe telling me something?)

Then Blaze did lean in and kiss me, but only on the lips. So we kissed several times throughout the day, but only on the lips. That was okay because I didn't want the pressure of figuring out if I wanted to kiss him with tongue on the first date.

Finally I had to go and he said he was going to stay because he had booked a motel room for himself to stay and enjoy the weekend. So I took the bus home. And I realized on the way home, that I have a sunburn.

No shit! I don't think I've ever had a sunburn in my life. I am not the darkest person but I am not the lightest either. But damned if I didn't get a burn. I didn't realize but I felt really irritated. First of all my chin felt all raw and scratched up but I figured it might have been from Blaze's beard stubble everytime he came in for one of those chaste kisses. But then I realized the back of my thighs felt kind of irritated on the seat, and I felt like I had some kind of windburn on my chest. Damned if I came home and called Bethany and she was laughing and saying, girl, you got a sunburn. I can't believe it. I did use a sunblock but most of all I just feel stupid that I let it happen, especially on the night I was going to Jimmy's party and would be seeing Smitten. I wanted to look my best but you could tell I had some irritation on my face, plus my body felt like I'd been dragged across a rug.

In any case, I got home, took a shower, did hair and makeup to perfection, packed a bag and went to Bethany's to pick her up. It doesn't matter how far ahead of time I tell Bethany to be ready- she will always have to go back for her bus pass or phone or mascara or something. That girl cannot just be ready to go when it's time. It makes me crazy but I am already the impatient sort.

We took the bus across town and arrived at the party scene. When we got there we saw Jimmy right away and wished him a happy birthday. The party hadn't really started and there were only a few people hanging out. Smitten had been there but had left and was supposedly coming back later. I told Bethany we should go over to the couch and start talking to some of the guys there. So we sandwiched this guy Stephen and engaged him in conversation. He seemed thrilled to have a girl on either side of him and was really enjoying it.

Bethany left to go to the bathroom or get a drink or something, and Stephen was asking me questions about where I lived when Smitten came in. We saw each other from across the room and both made excited faces, I know my smile was just beaming at him... he started dancing toward me and I gave him the "come hither" finger. He hugged me and said, "You look amazing," I stood up and hugged him some more... he held me very close and I felt his body moving and I realized he was laughing, which made me laugh too. "I'm so happy to see you," I told him. He kept whispering in my ear, "You are beautiful, so beautiful," I think he tells me that because he remembers I like to hear it. Then he gave me two wildflowers that he had carried in with him.

Here's the part where it gets depressing. He said he wanted to get something to eat... and he'll come back, but of course he doesn't come back. He gets wayleighed by other people and other conversations. Smitten is a very social animal, but I know it's not just that. He draws me in but then he ignores me. He incites a feeling in me, but then can't handle my presence, or something. My intention was to have a good time regardless, so Bethany and I got up and danced a few songs. No one else was dancing, probably because most people have to be drunk to dance.

The party was filling up more and more. Bethany and I trolled around and tried to find somewhere to stand. Finally I said to her, "We have to mingle, we spend every day together as it is and we have to branch out!" (Red and I would always go to parties together and only talk to each other- as a result I would leave gatherings having never met a single new soul. Rather sad). Bethany agreed and she came up with an idea: We had to separate for a half hour and talk to at least 3 new people we didn't know. After which we would reconvene and compare experiences.

I agreed and headed toward the back while she went to the front. I accidently made eye contact with a guy in an awkward moment. Luckily he took the initiative and then introduced himself. Soon we were having a conversation! See, like magic I was mingling. We were interrupted when Jimmy tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Duckie, you wanna dance?" Of course he knew I did because I had told him that Bethany and I had been trying to incite dancing earlier in the evening. Plus how could I say no to the birthday boy? His request far outweighed the Mingling Plan. So off to the dance floor I went.

Jimmy is not much of a dancer but it was obvious he was feeling good and had a few drinks. So I danced a few songs with him and soon Bethany was on the floor too dancing with us. Smitten came through but as usual insisted now he was on his way to get a drink and couldn't stay and dance with me. Why do I try? Eventually Bethany and Jimmy were dancing together. I looked over and saw Smitten- he was standing by the door and beckoned me over. I went there and we had a chat with whatever girl he was talking to- then he asked me, "Do you want to go outside for a minute?"

"Sure," I said.

Once outside, it was cool and quiet. Smitten kept telling me how pretty I looked, he loves how my hair looks now (a little longer in the front and falling across my face) and how nice my dress was and how he'd like to photograph me in it. Then he became very still, and wouldn't look me in the face, but asked me a question.

HIM: Have you ever been in love?
ME: Yes.
HIM: What happened?
ME: My heart got shattered.
HIM: Yeah. (pause). How long ago was that?
ME: Almost two years.
HIM: Are you over it?
ME: Yeah... um, well, most of the time. Sometimes it makes me sad... but... I had to... let him go.
HIM: You let him go?
ME: (nods)
HIM: What's his name?
ME: M.
HIM: The M that's inside at the party?
ME (laughing): No, a different M.
HIM: Do you still see him?
ME: No, he lives two hours away.
HIM: You're lucky.
ME: How long has it been since your heart got broken?
HIM: About a year. (pause). Why does it have to hurt so much?
ME: I dunno. Supposedly it's supposed to teach us something.
HIM (rolling eyes): That's bullshit.

And just as I was asking him the name of his heartbreaker, the door opened and Jimmy came out, and some other people to distract Smitten from our conversation. Dammit. I finally felt like we were at least communicating something important. Despite the fact that Smitten wasn't looking into my eyes and was using questions about my life, he was telling me a lot. He was telling me he got hurt, and he was afraid. I think it was huge for him to broach this subject with me, because he seems to like me.

But next thing you know, the crowd swept us back inside. After that it was all noise as the party went into full swing and a lot of people were dancing and eating. I danced a bit myself- there was a cute little short guy who had some moves and he and I were very much making it happen on the dance floor.

Somewhere along the way I had lost Bethany completely, but I trusted she would be okay. I went to help myself to some food, and ran into Lalla and her husband. I chatted with three guys who all turned out to be friends and live practically in my neighborhood. One of them, Mickey, is quite a cute little thing and I felt a little bit of a spark with him. I told him we should all have a picnic in the neighborhood and he agreed and took my number. Lalla was watching me talk with him and smiling and smiling.

After awhile I went looking for Smitten again. I found him outside looking at his phone.

"Hey," I said, and he patted the step next to him, inviting me to sit down. We talked about how he was tired, and I offered to rub his back a bit. He said he doesn't usually let people touch him, but he likes me. Apparently he might only be here a week, because he has a very big job opportunity back in his home state. This is disappointing to me, but it could be a really big break for Smitten, so, what can I say. He said, "So what are you doing for the next five days?"

Afterward Lalla came out with a girl she wanted to introduce me to. Smitten was off talking to someone else and he was coming close so I waved him over and we put our arms around each other's waists. Then Smitten started a conversation with the girl.

It's not that Smitten is unduly flirtatious or sexual with other women, but I do notice that, as I mentioned before, once he's got me by his side, he does everything in his power to throw his attention into anything and everything except me. And I really don't think I'm being needy or anything. I just notice it. He does it with intensity. When he says he is afraid of me, he's not kidding.

At any rate, he threw himself into talking with this girl, searching for something they had in common, and Lalla turned to me and said quietly, "Are you frustrated?"

"What?" I asked her.

"Are you frustrated with Smitten? I'm just sensing that."

"Uh. I dunno. I have a pain in my back."

Then we had a whole conversation about acupuncture and whatever. Other people came and went, short conversations. But I realized something about what Lalla had said. Yes. I am frustrated. I am frustrated that once again I have fallen in like with a man that TOTALLY initiated getting together with me, expresses and interest yet pushes me away every chance he gets. AND, I was completely embarrassed that Lalla could see it. I was ashamed that I once again have found myself in this place.

So I pulled Lalla aside and said, "What you said before, I think it's true," And I told her about my feelings for Smitten, his mixed messages to me, and our recent conversation about broken hearts.

"It's just strange," Lalla said, "Because I see an energy between you two. And the other day, I was even thinking of the two of you... and wondering... why is that not happening? Like you two should be together. I mean just out of the blue. Smitten is very appealing... he's got a lot going on... but I don't know, when I think of him, and you, and how you are... I get the feeling he could really.... hold you."

I just listened, kind of stunned. I had never let on in any obvious way to Lalla that I felt this way about Smitten. And the fact that she could SEE something, and that we popped into her head? That just seemed weird. I felt strangely exposed and also grateful and relieved. Like maybe I wasn't barking up the wrong tree... completely... if she could see it... she must be able to see that he liked me... so it wasn't JUST my usual pattern of falling for an unavailable man... was it?

"Don't get me wrong, I don't know if it means anything," Lalla continued. "And all that stuff... that broken heart stuff... that's just stuff that needs to get cleaned up."

"He's not the type I would usually be attracted to," I told her. "Actually it's very rare that I feel like I meet a guy who can... roll with me... really be with me... but, just like my ex... I feel like Smitten and I come from the same place."

Somehow, this short conversation with Lalla felt poignant and cathartic. Maybe because it's a reassurance that I am not crazy.

The night wore on. I talked to Mickey some more. I could hear his friend encouraging him to connect with me- "Dude, she wants to dance with you- FOLLOW HER. Dude, just do it. GO." Haha. He already had my number, but Mickey is shy. And he's a little stiff, but he did come out and dance. I can tell he may be a little intimidated too.

It must be hard to be a man.

Am I that amazing?

Maybe I am and I don't own it.

Hmm.

Finally it was time to go. Bethany, Jimmy, Smitten and another girl that was staying with Jimmy walked with us aways, and then we all parted company. When I hugged Smitten goodnight, I said thank you. He said, "For what?" I wanted to tell him that I appreciated what he communicated to me in his own way- about his fear and his hurt. But at the same time I didn't want to bring too much attention to it. So I just said, "For being you."

Really, all we can do is be ourselves, right? How can I be mad at anyone for being himself?

I went back to Bethany's and stayed at her place. I slept till 1pm, then we ate something and I went to work. I was smart and packed a bag and planned it all that way. After work I took Bethany out to dinner with some of the money I made.

She deserved it.

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