Dear Diary,

Well I'm sure you are just dying to know what happened yesterday, and I'm excited to tell you!

I went to the "party" with Albert- it was a party of some sort, but also some kind of promotional thing. But the big mistake was they asked the woman who produced a certain artwork to speak, and she had no speaking skills. She talked very fast, pressured, and with an accent, and on top of that- she made no sense. She held up a book she created, but refused to open the book and show us a page. Instead she just kept telling nonsensical stories.

I leaned over to Albert and told him I could not handle much more... then a friend of the speaker's arrived and she began to entertain everyone with magic tricks.

Can you believe it?

Magic tricks are mildly interesting to me, but only mildly. Plus I was sitting close, and practically behind the magician so I could see how she was doing a lot of the tricks.

During all this, I got a text from Smitten:

HIM: Acupuncture?
ME: Would love to have some. When? I'm iin town now.
HIM: Bring a pizza from _________ and you can have everything you want!
ME: I'm on my way.

And I was out- I told Albert I had to go. I don't think I was that rude- I had been there for an hour and a half, talked to some people and tried to follow that horrible presentation. But if they do another one, they definitely shouldn't let that artist be involved.

I picked up 4 slices of pizza and brought them over to Jimmy's. Jimmy and a friend who's been staying with him, K, were coming down the stairs as I was going up. We said hello, and I went up to the apartment, where I had Smitten all to myself.

He was hanging out in jeans and no shirt. I'm so attracted to him, but let me tell you, it's not like he has a knock out body or anything. He doesn't have very developed pecs and he's developing a little paunch. I've always been a torso nut with guys- really attracted to guys with great abs- so it's a mystery why I find this little man so sexy.

At any rate, Smitten was ecstatic that I'd actually brought him pizza, and he devoured it. He told me I should eat some, but I'm not eating wheat and cow cheese. I did however take two bites, and find that I don't really miss wheat and cow cheese at this point.

Smitten said, "I'm surrounded by beauty- this pizza, and you," Aww, so sweet. And he proceeded to tell me once again, how good I look, how he likes my hair, etc. He just kept saying out of nowhere, "You look GOOD."

Jimmy told me that a couple weeks ago too. I have noticed that perhaps some of the grief has lifted from my face and I look younger than I have in awhile, maybe lighter, and thus, healthier. I told Smitten I'd been working on myself, and we talked a little about self worth. He said I should love myself, because I'm a wonderful human being. I told him that I do like myself for the most part, but there's a part of me that gets stuck in not liking myself much at all.

Smitten started on the second piece of pizza, and I asked, "Is that the one that I bit?" and he nodded yes. I said, "Well then it's practically like we're KISSING because that piece has my saliva on it!!" And he thought that was hilarious. I have really been harping on him about the kissing. He was trying to caress me, and touch me, which was nice, but when he goes for my breasts I say, "For that you have to kiss me first," and he said "Really?" Yes, I answered, really, really well.

Finally we were ready to do the acupuncture. He gave me a headband to control all my crazy curls, and then he rubbed my shoulders, my neck, and the side of my face. I swear when that man touches me it very nearly makes me come. This is why I go running and bring him pizza. He put the needles in and I lay down. The flirtation was VERY very heavy, but there's not much you can do when you have needles in your face. I couldn't wait till he took them out, because I hoped we could at least consumate a little of this passion.

He left me alone for a good length of time, I'm not sure how long. But I heard K come back. I was disappointed, because now Smitten and I wouldn't have alone time. Dammit. He did eventually come back in and took the needles out, looked at my eyes and tongue again. He always looks at me like, hmm. And I wonder what he sees because although I have had some exhaustion and depression, I am a strong person and don't tend to come off as sickly.

He said, "What is making you so stressed? You seem to have a pretty good life... it can't be just the financial thing...?" I could see his healer wheels turning trying to figure out what was wrong with me. When he said that I remembered Michael's doctor telling me the line I have going down the center of my tongue is very deep and denotes incredible stress on the nervous system. I also thought of the little Chinese man's assessment and what he had said about my organs holding a lot of stuff from my parents. So I said, "Well... " and I told Smitten about going to see the Chinese man and how it felt accurate, and then I did have to admit to him that I came from a very abusive household and my mother was my primary physical abuser. I didn't cry or anything as it is old knowledge to me, but I do notice I feel a sense of shame when I bring it up. I don't want to be treated like a victim, so I don't talk about it much.

Smitten nodded and said, "Well that makes sense, if you grew up with a mother like that, how hard it would be to have a good sense of self worth." And he told me the ways he can relate. He put his hand on my stomach and said, "That makes a lot of sense to me, what you said, so we're gonna get very aggressive about these treatments, so we can get you well." When Smitten talks like this he is no longer that goofy guy, I don't know how to describe it, but this is his masculine self that is so sexy to me. I trust him completely, and I'm so deeply touched that he wants to help me- I feel well-taken care of and cherished and I dunno, like Lalla said -HELD by him.

After that he was stroking my body and the flirtation continued, and I finally said, "Why don't you just kiss me already? Can't you kiss me?" He shook his head no. "Do you want to kiss me a little?" Nodded his head yes. "Do you want to kiss me a lot?" Yes again, and he said, "I want to do more than kiss you," Well, why not. And finally he told me something that I suspected way back in February, but wasn't sure... that he is very sensitive and if he gets intimate and exchanges energy with someone who's sick, or stressed, he will absorb that energy too. Which makes sense because Smitten does seem like the sensitive sort who suffers from migraines and various other ailments. He actually doesn't seem very healthy to me, but okay.

It all makes sense because back in February when I was telling him my symptoms of not sleeping and other things, he got very concerned and even suggested a Hep C test. Then I thought he wouldn't kiss me because maybe he thought I had Hep C.... well I never got tested but anyway, I resonate more with the symptoms of adrenal exhaustion and since I have been treating those I look and feel better.

Hmm, I said, "Well why don't you make me better so you can kiss me?" To which he responded, "I'm trying!"

All in all, the whole conversation made me feel better because there is a REASON, and the reason is a health reason and not a personal or emotional reason... that maybe even though Smitten has that broken heart thing he is more ready than I think he is... and he doesn't mean to play games with me? In any case, some sort of communication makes it all better.

So.

After all this we came out of the bedroom and talked to K for awhile. Then Smitten got all his stuff and went into the apartment next door, where he is staying because K has been in his room while she is here... it made me a little sad because he just loaded his arms up with stuff and didn't hug me goodnight first, but maybe he is just a distracted individual, I don't know.

K and I hung out talking for another hour and a half, and that was that. I came home and didn't get to bed till almost three, but I did feel super calm and relaxed, and I believe in Smitten's abilities, so I'd like to think I'm on the right track now.

I have so much work to do before my presentation tonight, so I can't stay here much longer... just wanted to put in this update!!

Love,
Duck

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