Dear Diary,

Okay, time to reassess...

Because once again I may be getting myself into trouble.

Smitten and I called each other yesterday and left messages for each other, but were unable to connect. So last night after work, I was on my way home and wrote Smitten a message from my phone. I reiterated my phone message, in which I informed him of my schedule for the next few days- I admit I'm a little nervous because I'm flying on Wednesday, and I don't know how long Smitten's going to be here... and well... I really wanted to spend some time together, and I especially wanted him to come over HERE and spend some time- at my house, in my bed, where nothing or nobody from Jimmy's house could distract him...

But when I woke up this morning, I discovered that the message hadn't sent, but it sent as soon as I opened my phone- there was no choice in the matter- so rather than get that message at 12 midnight, he got it at 12 noon. Then I did indeed feel stupid. And to top that off, I called- no answer- and left a voicemail... why did I think that was a good idea? Now I can't recall. I think because he had told me he wanted to know how I slept...

Luckily, Albert called me in the afternoon and asked if I'd like to go to the park with him. I said yes, and got myself together. We went and lay in the sun for an hour, then came back to my place, and Albert put some earphones on my head and had me listen to some music that knocked me out and made me sleepy. Too bad Albert's not here at night.

Then Albert went home, and when I checked my email, one line from Smitten: "We called each other at the same time yesterday."

Well whoop-dee-do, you may think... this guy will not answer a direct question... but rather than witnessing that, I am stupid enough to write back, "Are you busy tonight?"

This is after three messages inviting him over, and trying to reach him. Obviously the guy is not responding to me, but I can't seem to get it into my thick head?!

So more than anything, I am disappointed in myself right now. I'm not totally devastated by Smitten's actions or inactions- as I would be in the past- hmm I'm not sure that I think his choices are saying anything about ME- rather I am upset with myself for probably appearing too needy in the first place, when I should just lay off.

I am also aware though, that I desperately want that acupuncture. So it's all a little bit twisted. If he weren't treating me with needles, it might be easier to blow him off, I guess... but I do feel needy and desperate around the issue of my health. But maybe I can't even depend on Smitten for that.

Okay... just got another response from him, saying something very heavy has come up and he will be busy, but he'll talk to me soon. He also added the statement "I'm ok." at the end of that, I guess to reassure me that no bad thing has happened to him?

I wrote back wishing him well, and I'll talk to him when I do...

So maybe I haven't completely driven him off, but my second guessing and needy feelings sure make ME nuts...

I just can't decide if I am totally off base here... am I compromising myself too much? Is he interested in me, but not enough? Or is he just a really distracted person? Or very afraid? Will he ever give me the attention I want? Do I want too much attention? I can't tell.

Sigh.

(and frustration).

This is why I just need to work on myself, and be okay no matter what happens- no matter who comes in and out of my life, no matter who rejects or accepts me... because it is just too nerve-wracking to live this way second-guessing myself.

Big breath....

Will carry on.

Love,
Duck

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