iceberg of an idea [ 2009-07-16, 1:12 a.m. ]

#2

Dear Diary,

Yeah that last entry was what I wrote before my plane took off...

Boxy, you're right, Smitten can be a bit of a jerk, because he does start stuff with that sarcastic sense of humor. And in a way I feel baited. But I also made a commitment to myself not to crumble, and that's what I felt shame about.

And Killsbury, you're right about that FB request, that was asking... duh. I didn't even think of that response. Hmm. Either way we have to admit his behavior is strange, if he does indeed like me. I can't tell if he's oversensitive and pulls back, is totally unaware and apathetic, or just mean.

Stargirl, it's true the connections are growing, but I'm not sure that in the end Smitten will be a good choice. Maybe his general sense of humor and way he deals with life is not compatible with me- he obviously has some anger, otherwise why would he be so sarcastic? And he says he hates money which is a little crazy, because that sounds like a person who will not let himself be successful on the grounds that he has some belief systems that if you are financially successful you are some kind of bad person.

Really?

I don't know. I don't have to figure it out now, at least.

I know that Smitten didn't set out to shame me. But he is very inconsistent in his own relationship to shame. And you know, I don't blame him at all. If anything, I brought this upon myself. I told the Universe I wanted to change and to be my real self- and what happened was my false self was exposed. It makes me take a hard look at myself- who I really am. I pretend I have it more together than I do- who doesn't? I am still needy and in pain. I really want someone to love. I don't do it perfectly all the time. I fuck up. That is all true, and I don't say that in any self-effacing way. It just is.

I made the commitment to love myself, way back when M walked out my door. And that means not fading away everytime some man walks into my life- and not letting some man's belief about me affect MY belief about me. And I got called on it. Good for him, good for me. Maybe it is a positive sign of things to come- what kind of man do I ultimately want to be with? Somebody who lets me get away with thinking badly about myself? No. I want to be the real thing. And maybe this is the physical manifestation of my intention come to smack me in the face and say, get with it, Duckie, this is not who you said you were going to be.

Nope. Because I am better than that.

(God it hurts to write it, and I almost wanted to put a question mark on the end of that sentence. That's what I'm dealing with- my own sense of self-worth. It's really all that matters in this whole deal. Even if Smitten said what he did but I loved myself more, it would not have been so shattering- it would have just been words).

What if I was with a man that required me to love myself?

How amazing is that.

It was different with M. M would have tried to fix it, said the right thing, apologized, done back flips. But then he would have gone into his own shame- around sex, pleasure, relationship, sabotage- and done whatever he could to not let me love him. And it wouldn't have worked. It just didn't work, because it couldn't.

Perhaps, and this is just the tip of an iceberg of an idea, true love does require loving oneself. That loving someone more than yourself is not humanly possible, because then it's not love.

I believe in working everything to my advantage and growth.

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