Dear Diary,

Sorry I have been MIA for several days- it's just been a bit crazy...

I didn't get much sleep before I flew on Wednesday. I slept a bit on the plane, but it was that bad airplane sleep, not quality stuff. When I landed, I found Stacey's car in longterm parking and picked it up (Stacey and her hubby had left town for a family vacation). I drove to Nia and Lee's and had lunch with them, hung out for a bit. I decided to stay with them rather than going to Stacey's empty place. We went to a concert in a park near them in the evening, and it was a lot of fun. I wish I had the energy to dance... I just don't, really. And I guess I'm just not that happy right now... I hardly ever feel that excited these days... but I did enjoy watching other people have fun.

The next day I had class with Serena. Oddly enough, Grace wasn't there. I figured that she and Alphie might have been preparing for the weekend seminar that started that night? But it was odd that she hadn't come to class, especially since she'd sent an email earlier in the week that she would be there.

I had lunch with Thomas, whom I love. He suggested that I just attend the seminar with he and his girlfriend Barb, since they were driving to the same place. It all worked out, because I didn't know where I was going anyway. Barb breezed in and picked us up, and then we were there... it was a long day, because the first night of the seminar ended up going till 1am.

Everytime someone walked around a corner, my body would tense up because I kept thinking that Grace and Alphie would appear at any moment. This happened continuously... well, guess what? They never showed up... and not in the next day either. They just didn't come. Something must have happened- for Grace to miss class... and Alphie NOT to go to the seminar when he said he was?

I also found out that one of Thomas and Barb's friends, Sati, also had an entanglement with Alphie and Grace. It was probably similar to how they used me- she probably got caught up in Alphie's charm and good looks, the sexual excitement of being involved with two people... and then, somewhere along the line, they twisted her words and actions against her as they became emotionally less and less available, so she became confused and loathed herself, because nothing was ever their fault- that's how they operate.

In any case, once I could take a good deep breath and sigh with relief because there was no Alphie and Grace... well... I had a great time! I love learning, and I loved hanging out with Thomas, Barb, Sati, and other people I made friends with. I ended up sleeping at Thomas' house too, since our nights went so very late. I made sure to give them gas money and buy them dinner one night too.

Smitten and I exchanged some emails back and forth, so that was nice. I called him today, but had to leave a voicemail. I do hope I get to see him when I get back. Apparently there are lots of possibilities that he'll be traveling for work and other things, and he did mention that he might possibly move out of the country at one point to do some work. Surprisingly, I don't have much of a reaction to that. Granted, I go through my usual cycles of obsessing about him, worrying and etc, but in the end I know, it will either work out or it won't. He either is for me, or he's not for me. I mean, we could kiss, and be physical, but that does not necessarily mean that he would be a good boyfriend for me.

I have a problem in thinking that because I have a mutual attraction with someone, that means I have to have a relationship with them... well that can obviously be a mistake. Attraction does not mean that a person can meet my needs in relationship, nor does it mean that they have similar goals or points of view about life. The big mistake is getting too far ahead of myself and imagining a whole relationship that is not happening... right now I am in an unknown place with the whole thing. It could turn into something, and it might not.

Should also mention that Mickey again sent me a text message, inviting me to some event on the same night. I didn't respond. I have already communicated to him that I don't want to make plans via text message, so I'm not really sure which part of that he doesn't get...

Haven't heard from Blaze at all since we went on our date... we chatted a bit on FB, but that fizzled because the conversation was bland, and he went offline... I dunno... maybe he was expecting me to call him? It's not upsetting because I didn't feel much for him anyway.

Well, that's it for now. Just wanted to catch you up on the weekend.

Love,
Duck

[previous] [next]