Dear Diary,

Well I know I should be sleeping, but, obviously I'm not!

Sometimes, even though I know better, I am just not very good at taking care of myself. Like I didn't really eat anything at all today. Bad. Bad!

Instead I got up, and started making cookies for Smitten. That is just wrong! I guess because I promised I would. But that boy hasn't even called me. Yes, I'm embarrassed to write it.

I texted him, "Let me know when you want another visit from the cookie fairy." He said, "Cookies and pizza, what more could a guy want?"

Huh. I can think of a few things. I got ready for work, finished some last minute items, took a shower and finished up those cookies. Smitten and I texting back and forth- I asked if he would be home at 5pm, and he said no- he had to go to work for a couple of hours, but that Jimmy would be there. That deflated me a little bit- I asked if anyone would be home tomorrow afternoon- Smitten's response, "Not sure."

That was it. "Not sure." It just struck as a pang of rejection- yes, I've felt that many times before... know it well. I realized how much I was compromising myself. I already had enough to do, yet I was adding BAKING to my day as well as making an additional trip to Jimmy's? Crazy! And Smitten wasn't helping by offering any solutions. I was irritated and disappointed but at the same time I realized I had done this to myself- I wanted this more than Smitten did. I was pushing it, ignoring the signs. I was overdoing. The Duck Classic.

Ugh. And I hated myself for it. But I felt like I had to keep my word or else I would look like a fool. I left the house running, stopping at the copy/internet place (because my printer no longer works), and to pick up something for John, who was in the hospital with some sort of infection. Somehow I made it to Jimmy's in record time, dropped off the cookies- only stayed long enough to drink a class of water- Jimmy made it clear that he had worked many days in a row and was tired- it was fine because I had to be running again. First to meet Bethany and John's friend, to pass off a joint gift Bethany and I were sending to John. Then off to work.

I tried to be positive even though I told myself that I would not be doing this run-around with Smitten anymore! Really, it was over. I texted him, "You will have cookies tonight when you get home."

His response: "I accept. But I'd rather have you."

I'm not sure if that was meant in a purely sexual way or in a romantic way, but it made me smile and pulled me back in.

Dammit.

And another text later, must have been after he got home and saw the cookies, "You're awesome."

I called him when I was done with work, and we talked a bit. Casual and fun. I was super casual and said when could we hang out? He said yes it should be soon, because he didn't know when he might have to leave. So maybe this weekend. Maybe... is the operative word here.

And he said I could call him tomorrow in the afternoon for a possible acupuncture session. Is it bad for me to get excited? I don't like the feeling of compromising myself and I know that's a bad way to start any relationship. I don't even know if there IS a possibility for any relationship. I do know that in general I feel less devastated when I encounter what I perceive to be his little rejections or lack of interest.

I don't know what, if anything, to do. I guess I'll just take it day by day.

Sigh.

Pulled back in.

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