Dear Diary,

Well if anything this shit with Smitten is bringing up all kinds of stuff to look at about myself. For one, I seem to be kind of stupid around him. I forget to say things, or I get shy and bite my tongue. Also, he sends confusing mixed signals and I'm not sure if he's interested in me ENOUGH to warrant this much attention from me. I am disappointed because I feel like I'm falling back into my old patterns of being less that myself in relationship.

Dammit.

Yesterday Smitten called me in the morning. This in itself is very rare. He wanted to know what was going on. I told him I was going to the clinic, and would also be working on the project he gave me. He told me he was leaving the following morning for work, and he didn't know how long he'd be out of town. I took that to mean I wasn't going to see him that night, but he said if my presentation didn't go long, maybe we would have a pocket of time to connect.

Well. First of all I had to do some of my own promotional work, and of course take a shower. By the time I got to the clinic I guess I was too late. My bad, but I had to do my OWN work... you know? There is no excuse for letting my business go completely down the tubes just because I want to have sex with some guy.

So I guess I could go today, but I don't know if that would even give me enough time. I am just not a morning person. Or an afternoon person. Really, I don't like to do anything, ever.

Smitten called again and asked if I had set up my Skype yet. Apparently he wants me to do this so he can call me when he is out of the country. This seems to be a priority for him now which is weird, because he hardly ever calls me, but maybe it is a step in the right direction. For some reason I'm having trouble with my computer, and haven't been able to figure out the Skype.

In any case I just felt like it was too many things in one day: the project, the clinic and the computer plus my own personal work I had to do myself. I was feeling really pressured, and then when they told me they couldn't fit me in at the clinic, I just felt even worse about myself and like I let Smitten down by not completing the test like I said I would, and on the last day that he was here.

I went to the end of Bethany's dance class, then we went to dinner. All of this is indulgence, but what the hell. Afterward I went to my presentation, where no one showed up- so I called Smitten and let him know that I was free. He told me he was at the laundromat, and I could come and meet him if I wanted. I did, but it was not the goodbye I wanted to have. For one, ever since we had the conversation about testing, Smitten has not kissed me passionately again. I'm supposing that I won't get kissed again until I produce negative results. Sigh. Fine. But also he seemed distracted, and he told me I looked tired. Just what a girl wants to hear. And of course laundromats have the worst lighting.

So, I guess I was hoping for a bit more affection, which I did not get. Instead I felt like he was trying to get rid of me. He put his things in the dryer and we left the laundromat, he said, "Do you want me to walk you to your bus?" I had only been there about five minutes. I said I was in no hurry- we went and picked up a pizza he had ordered and took it back to Jimmy's, had a short conversation about nothing, and then I excused myself because I could feel that he had things to do and really didn't want me around.

Okay. Maybe I am being a bit too negative about things. There were some potentially sweet moments. Like when we were going to get the pizza and I hugged him on the corner, and told him I would miss him a little bit. He said, "I considered that I might miss you too," - "Oh," I asked, "You considered it? Did you come to any conclusions?" He says things like that and gets all shy, rather than just saying things like, 'I'll miss you.'

He also told me that he might come back into town, and then need to fly back to his home state to start another project- the big project he informed me about before... and when he was back Jimmy might be gone, and I guess renting out his place, and then Smitten would have nowhere to stay and might have to stay in a hotel.

I don't know if that was fishing, but I said he could stay with me, and that I was close to the airport... he got all smiling and shy again and said he'd considered that too... and maybe... if he was there....

"What?" I asked.

"I could kiss you in the middle of the night," he responded. It was so ridiculous but cute. The guy is older than me, but obviously very sensitive and just WEIRD about liking someone. It's all good that he seems to have an attraction to me, BUT I have to look at the fact that: 1) although we've been on a couple of dates before, during the span of time he's been here this month he has not tried to take me out anywhere. It's mostly been about acupuncture and about fooling around, so I'm not really sure what he's looking for. 2) he's a generally distracted individual that doesn't always respond to calls, emails etc, and I don't know if I can handle that much inattention. 3) he's also talked about moving out of the country, as well as traveling all the time for work. I don't really know if he's looking for what I'm looking for, which is a committed relationship.

I don't know if I can BE in a relationship that is not heading to the committed stage. I am also aware that Smitten just might not BE the guy for me, but the whole thing battles with the young part of me that wants a fairy-tale ending. I was trying to tell myself that maybe Smitten is just my transitional person. But on the whole, maybe I need a better transitional person.

I'm not sure.

The plusses: This is the first time I've been attracted to someone on this level since I broke up with M. Although he is somewhat crass on the outside, I can tell that Smitten is sensitive on the inside. He is not the best communicator, but at least he tries, like when he asked me those questions about the party, and about STD testing. He seems somewhat responsible in that area too, which is nice to know. He seems like he's a good lover...

And. But. He might leave. Gah. When am I going to learn the impermanence of everything? I have such severe abandonment issues, and I know they are not his problem. I've been working on them, but I'm disappointed to realize they are still here to such a strong degree, that I still have fear. I judge myself for it. Severely. I need to chill.

The best thing to do is keep going forward, taking care of myself as best I can. To be open to meeting and connecting with other people- maybe try to pin down a date to get together with Jerry, to prevent me from focussing on one guy only. And to ignore Smitten a little bit. He doesn't have time to miss me if I am in his face all the time.

Gah. Life.

Hmm and I forgot to mention that I had a dream about M this morning. I was driving a snowmobile, but I'm not sure there was any snow. I stopped in front of a car and said loudly, "Well that's interesting," and up popped M with a welding helmet on his head (apparently he'd been welding in the trunk, or something). It was unexpected, and I had a brief moment of shock/surprise that we were there looking at each other. But then we started to talk and I felt... confident... sitting there on my snowmobile laughing and talking and being very casual... and that's the thing... my confidence was genuine... not a put-on. I was at ease, probably more at ease than M was. There were other parts to the dream but I don't really remember what they were.

Hmm.

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