embarrassing [ 2009-07-31, 2:37 p.m. ]

Dear Diary,

Yesterday I managed to get my crap together (hurriedly putting together materials for my presentation) and got to the computer place ON TIME, which was amazing. I was sweating my ass off.

To get what I want, I have to upgrade my system, which will cost money I do not have right now, so therefore it's not really worth it to me at the moment. Too difficult, too expensive. Bud said he will send me the program, so, good. Huh. I am so behind.

In any case, I was able to figure a way around my current problem, but I don't know how easy it will be for Smitten and I to keep in touch. I messaged him that I have the Skype set up, and immediately got an email with some photos... but it looks like those emails which are not just sent to me, but to a group of people. I can't tell if he is playing games, or if he really just ignores me when he goes away. In any case, my brain is getting kind of tired just thinking about it. Keith made a remark that if I was really ready to be in a serious relationship, I wouldn't even pay attention to guys that were ambivalent... I would just brush them off and move on and focus on somebody that was interested.

Interesting and true. So I'm trying not to let the knowledge of that make me feel worse about myself. I am aware I could be barking up the wrong tree, again. There is a part of me that could read the signs and I know Smitten has problems and is most likely not as clear as I would like him to be. At the same time I just like him. He is attractive to me. I guess it is as Serena told me before when I met Elliot- that I just can't get in over my head. I have already compromised myself enough running around for Smitten and staying up late making cookies for him when I should have been packing my suitcase, etc. I need to rein it in and really watch myself and make me FIRST. That will be my new goal.

When I first met Smitten I didn't give a shit what he thought of me. He was not in my range of interest and I was hesitant in liking him. Then as soon as I decided I liked him the energy totally changed. I get that sense that as soon as I like someone, I collapse somehow or get needy, and they must sense that and back off. So I'm wondering how do I get to like someone AND stay strong and confident which is who I really am? It's like relationships are my weakness. They can twist me inside out like nothing else. It's pretty amazing.

Who I am is a smart, accomplished woman who is very articulate, sexy, fun, and more. And this is what men are originally attracted to in me. Then somehow down the line my fears rear their ugly heads and I am needy, dependent, worried, less than. Ugh.

It is even evidenced how I cannot speak when Smitten is around. I hold my tongue or I forget to say things or I say them wrong, which is not usually like me.

How embarrassing! But I'm working on it.

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