Dear Diary,

I've made a decision.

(I think).

Haha.

First of all, a normal sleep schedule is not forthcoming in any way, so I just have to give up on that. I've taken to watching late-night movies.

As for work, I've just decided to say fuck it. I'm going to my parents for almost a week, and I've decided I'm just going to live like a mooching teenager during that time, and also ask to borrow money so I can get through the rest of this month, finish my class with Serena, and do whatever else needs to be done. I don't know what else to do; but I'm aware that I really want some kind of do-over. I want to start my life over again, on so many levels.

Can you imagine what life would be like and you woke up at age 17, knowing what you know now? Man, that would be a blast. First of all, I would chuck aside all the boys and do something amazing and adventurous, like go be an exchange student in Paris for a year, learn a language, adopt a culture, expand my mind. Those Parisian boys are probably so much more interesting anyway.

I digress, sorry. That's not going to happen- okay. But I can go mooch off my parents, perhaps sleep a little better, let someone else provide food and shelter... get away from here. Right now I just want to... escape. Big time.

Thirdly, I've decided to break up with Smitten. What, you say? Were we even going out? No, probably not. But in my head I have been giving him so much energy, so much hope, building toward this relationship that I am TRYING to have with him- but he's not exactly meeting me in that arena. For instance, remember when I wrote about calling him on Thursday night, he was all sweet, and said he'd call me tomorrow? He never called. I even called before I went to work because I thought there might be a chance that we could talk- no answer, and no response. I saw that he'd been on FB that night- had time to do that, but not call me back in the past four days.

It's just too much. I try too hard. Maybe it's taken awhile to get through my thick skull, but it's not just that we are the victims of busy schedules and time- that is an excuse I have been using. The truth of the matter is that people make time for what's important to them- and I am not that important to Smitten. Sure, maybe he likes me, wouldn't want anything bad to happen to me, etc, etc. But he doesn't really want to get to KNOW me- otherwise he would be calling and we would be having phone chats deep into the night. That's what people do when they're dating. It would be more about wanting to take me out and sit across from me and learn about me, rather than fumbling with my breasts and making out.

Gah.

When M and I first connected, we would talk pretty much every other day, for hours at a time. I could sense his interest in me, the way I thought, the things I knew about. Sometimes Smitten will ask me a question but interrupt me in the middle of my answer. He doesn't return my calls. I guess he thinks I'm sexy, but maybe he's not looking for a girlfriend. The truth is I don't want to be just sex buddies. Or even if we were going to fool around, I would want somebody who had more of an interest in me.

So, I'm breaking up with him. I'm tired of these mixed messages that say, "I really want to talk to you/connect to you/you're so beautiful/sexy/wonderful...." cause really, if that's true, why don't you do something about it, dude?

Done.

He doesn't know it, but that really doesn't matter either. After all, I could call him to tell him, but he most likely wouldn't pick up the phone.

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