untangled [ 2009-08-09, 11:40 p.m. ]

So, just a short rant and then I will go to bed.

I woke up and checked my email and there was a message there from Smitten- on the general list, I suppose to all his friends- that his niece was in a car accident, she is okay, but still... he is kind of wondering if it's ever going to stop.

Meaning I suppose that he knows several people who have died this year- his father, one friend from old age, one from suicide, and one from a terrible car accident.

I understand that Smitten is hurting, but I'm not using that either as his excuse for ignoring me. He certainly doesn't ignore other people. Somehow I happened to be on FB at the right time and noticed he had made a comment on some random girl's photo, someone he doesn't know. He has never commented on my page ever. And twice today we were on FB at the same time, he did not chat with me but instead went offline- when I was back on, he noticed and disappeared.

It's okay, after all, because we are broken up. But still. He's an old man, not 14.

He also responded to one of my emails from last week or so- he'd sent out photos of his nephew, and I just wrote him a note that the boy was really cute. He writes back, "Of course, he's related to me! :-)"

Yeah. Whatever. That email was from last week, and he never responds to questions I ask him. I've asked him how his mom is doing, if he is okay. I called him twice last week, and he hasn't tried to make conversation with me at all. I also lost a friend two weeks ago, and he has not called me to see how I am doing about it.

It's okay, we've broken up.... but I'm still feeling bad.

I had to do some work on my flower boxes because my super was complaining about my plants overgrowing and covering the power box. So I'm untangling these vines and at the same time thinking about how I need to become untangled in my life. And I look at my own role in torturing myself, like watching Smitten's activity on FB is practically a set up for disappointment (I learned that from M, who used to stalk his ex constantly on MySp@c3). I do it to myself. The best thing is just to walk away and not look back. I blocked him from my chat so I won't have to see if he's online.... I suppose I could erase his number out of my phone but by this point I have memorized it.

Dammit.

Whatever. I didn't respond to the emails he sent today and I won't respond to anything for the rest of the week. I need some space, to clear my head. I'm considering this a real breakup, even if that seems ridiculous to you I don't care.

I'm giving up on the dream of Smitten, because it was obviously just a dream.

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