Dear Diary,

I'm feeling relieved on one front: I just found out that I will be able to pay my rent on September 1st. It was really touch-and-go there for a minute, seeing as how I wasn't sure a certain assignment was going to come through.

I had already tried to prepare myself by asking Steffy last night if, just quite possibly if, this job didn't come through in time and even if I did have work but the check wouldn't clear in time, if that happened could I borrow some money? The plan was to borrow half my rent from her, and maybe half from Bethany or B, depending... because it's just TOO embarrassing to borrow your WHOLE rent check from somebody and admit that you cannot pay ANY of your rent. Yes, it is embarrassing.

In any case, it doesn't look like it will come to that, so... phew. Life goes on.

Another nice thing that happened to me is that Stacey gave me her bus pass from the last time she was here, and it was bent and didn't work, but I told the guy it had $9.00 on it (which is what Stacey told me, I'm not exactly sure of the amount) and he gave me a new pass with that much money on it!! So maybe the world is not such a bad place after all.

I never responded to Smitten's email. It's just so confusing. I spoke with Gail about it yesterday too, and told her I just don't know if I can trust him. She pointed out that I'm certainly not getting what I want, and since we have no parameters set up around our "relationship", or whatever it is, and we're not even in the same city, I can't really talk to him about it either. I would surely sound ridiculous to make demands from someone I'm not even officially "dating"....

So I've decided to wait 9 days before I respond to that email. That's how long it took him to respond to me, so rather than jumping and responding (which is what I usually do) I am not going to send the message that I am always available and waiting (which I am, but that's not the point). I feel horrible admitting it and writing it because I still feel like I'm 15 years old with this crap. But I KNOW what it's supposed to feel like when someone is interested in me and treating me well, and this is not it. I feel like I don't have any other choice. How can I go backwards and try to catch the crumbs? What would I be setting myself up for? A few more years of fantasizing and desperately waiting for someone to love me or be excited about me?

God when I think about that, I get this deep pain in my body and my heart feels like the bottom falls out of it. How much I really wanted M to wake up and stop moaning about his ex and notice ME, the beautiful woman who loved him who was right in front of him!! And the devastation when that didn't happen... How really, I've set myself up over and over again with so many guys waiting for that exact thing... and I am always devastated. It is a dead-end road. There is no magic here- accepting Smitten's occasional crumbs of attention will not win me any points with him- instead it most likely makes him lose respect for me. And I lose respect for myself along the way. I already feel like I have made so many mistakes in this connection. I end up feeling like a fool and hating myself.

I'm tired of hating myself.

Smitten is just another addiction, another way for me to set myself up and feel bad. And by engaging with him I just continue to put myself through the emotional wringer. That's my drama and I help create it. So I can't; I can't write him back, I can't pretend everything's okay, I can't pretend to be that "breezy" girl where it doesn't matter and I'm so cool cause I have so many other things to do and I'm supercool anyway so it doesn't matter how you treat me.... because really I'm insecure and needy and ridden with attachment issues but I am also wise enough now to know that frogs do not turn into princes and if you are treating me shitty it is NOT cool or sexy or masculine but instead it is TOXIC to me and I have to get away from you, I just do.

Even if it makes me feel worse for awhile and my heart still feels broken right now, I am saving myself in the long run via this decision.

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