Dear Diary,

I am at Thomas and Barb's house now. Yesterday was the official last class for training with Serena. The most awkward part of the day was talking to Grace for almost five whole minutes, probably the most I've spoken to her in two years!

It's strange because sometimes I have a fantasy in my head that oh, maybe it could all be okay and Alphie and Grace and I can be friends again... but then I have an encounter with one of them, or hear about their behavior, and it doesn't seem that they've changed much at all. Grace still seems very fake to me, and like she pretends she's someone she's not. I suppose we all do that to a certain extent. But it doesn't seem to bode well for me having a different kind of relationship with them. I hope I HAVE changed at least... but judging from my text exchange with Alphie last fall, and Grace's behavior now, I don't think I'd be satisfied with being connected with them. Plus Alphie made that big point about wanting to see me, I said I'd see him at that workshop last month, they never showed and he never contacted me again to make a new plan...does he expect me to reach out? I won't. I've done enough over-communicating for usand if it's so important to him, he can take some initiative. I feel like I just had so much grief in my life from trying to manage that relationship and now, well, I have other things to do. Like I want to find a boyfriend who is not someone else's boyfriend, for starters. I would rather put my energy toward that. And friendships with people who don't communicate are too much work!

Anyhow. I am going to continue on with Serena. I need to get myself in order financially and make it work.

I still feel sad about the situation with Smitten. A bit childish for my decision to ignore his last email, but what can I do? I can't continue to jump whenever he throws me a crumb. I told Barb the situation and said that with my background of abandonment issues, I just can't handle being ignored. Barb pointed out that being ignored doesn't feel good to anyone! Well she's got a point! It is not just my "issues" and feeling sensitive but a matter of just being treated like a human being! So my actions, or inactions, are more for self-preservation than for spite. I just need something different in my life, a different kind of man, and rather than trying to fix the same kind of man over and over again, I need to change myself so I stop thinking that is even possible.

Love,
Duck

[previous] [next]