#2
Anyhow, back to what I was writing yesterday. STC and Carrie and Aiden, right? The argument is always Aiden is "too available"- and that Big is more attractive because he is unavailable.
While I do understand the appeal and nature of the chase, it's still a little fucked up. That in general, as human beings, we are naturally attracted to what doesn't want us? Theories vary and range from the idea that we are working on trying to heal that part of us that felt unloved and ignored by our parents to... we get bored when we don't have a challenge.
To me it seems it's all an attachment to drama. And even though I would take an Aiden in a second, I can't seem to meet one. So my own drama is I am (unconsciously, it seems) choosing Bigs all the time... sure, they start out looking like Aidens, but they're not.
And remember it only took Big six years of life experience, another failed marriage, affairs, moving, a heart attack and another near-miss with Carrie to commit to her. So if you've got that kind of time, feel free to keep chasing those Bigs. I KNOW I want something different. I'm not clear on how to get it, but I'm trying to figure that out.
Smitten's message, basically something like: "Hi Duckie, this is Smitten, and I was just calling you, I hope you're okay, and I'd love to talk to you sometime. Call me when you can or text me let me know when you'll be available... I hope you're doing okay... Sending you a sweet hug and kiss. Bye!"
Uh, for real? I don't know, folks. Well I do know, on some level. It's just the same sweet words and "concern" that come around every 6-8 weeks or so, but I can't be sure that it's genuine. Maybe Smitten is so lost in his own world that he completely forgot about me and my feelings, the fact that I was also grieving, etc... until I sent that email and reminded him. I don't know. And don't think that it doesn't tug on my heart either, because it does. I just know that I can't trust myself to believe his sweet words anymore, because they are words, not actions.
Gah. I just got totally sucked into an FB hole and forgot all about this entry. Posting now.
Love,
Duck
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