Dear Diary,

What to say, what to say.

Friday I did yoga with Bethany. She has a new roommate now, so I won't be staying over with such frequency. But the summer fun was enjoyable while it lasted...

Saturday I hadn't planned to do anything at all. The night before I was actually still feeling depressed about a whole bunch of things, so I went to bed at midnight and slept till noon. How's that for catching up on sleep? When you have no money, and your love life's in the toilet, what else is there to do but sleep?

Anyhow. I got up and was trying to get motivated to do something. I decided to return some of my phone calls. So I was doing that and Gemini and I played phone tag a bit. Then finally he got me and he said, "What are you doing today?" I said I was working at home and then he said he wanted to come and see me. Uh. Not a good idea. I hadn't showered, I was wearing a dress I picked up off the floor. Not pretty.

But he insisted I could come into town or he could come out to my house. I was just kind of stumped. I absolutely knew he was not coming here since my aforementioned appearance and also the fact that my apartment was a shambles. I hadn't really planned on going into town that day, so I was kind of hemming and hawing and he said, "You know what? I'm going to call you back in 10 minutes so you can think about it. I don't want you to make a bad decision. I'll call you in 10 minutes."

That helped a LOT. First of all if you know me, sometimes I feel so pressured that I cannot think. So I felt this huge relief that this man was giving me some space. And that made me want to hang with him. I took a shower, moisturized and was doing my hair by the time he called back. I told him I was coming.

I met him by the park and then we walked over to a place where he had his art displayed. Then we went to get some food. The odd thing about that- I dunno maybe he didn't have a lot of money, but I ordered a full dinner and he ordered an appetizer, and he ate a bunch of my stuff off my plate.

Sigh. Recession dating.

Anyhow. Then we went downtown and got tickets for a movie. It wasn't playing for awhile so we went outside and had a sitdown. We had of course been talking and flirting and whatnot, and we have kissed chastely on the mouth, on the cheek, whatever. But no real kissing. All of a sudden he's looking down my dress and saying, I want to touch your nipple, I have to touch it, and trying to put his fingers in my bra. I was like, what? And pushed his hands away. That was just bizarre. After a moment of silence, and continued conversation about something else, I just told him, that was too fast. I'm flattered, but that is too fast to be trying to put your hands in my shirt. I think he was confused about the flattered/too fast part, but who cares. What is wrong with guys today? Don't they even kiss you anymore, or are they always trying to just feel you up?

After that he took me to a bar where his friend was playing in a band- it was a great band, and makes me wonder why I don't go out more. Then things took a turn.

He asked me if I wanted to leave, I said in a bit I would be going home. He said we should go home together, either to my place or his. I said no. Why not? He says. We can just sleep, and make love in the morning. Why so fast? I say. Why in such a hurry? He does not think it's a big deal. He says, I am not on a timetable. When something feels good I do it. It starts to feel like the age-old argument, the woman says no, the man tries to convince her... maybe because he thinks she wants to be convinced, but I DON'T want to be convinced. I am just not that type of girl. But it starts to feel like an argument, why he is right and I am wrong. And somehow shaming me for being a "prude". I am not a prude, I am particular. He tells me again he will give me 10 minutes to think about it, not understanding that giving me time is not a trick to make me do what you want- a man has to be genuine about it.

This is all in between the music playing and this wonderful band, which to me no longer wonderful. Instead I am feeling pressured, and sad (probably angry, but couldn't locate that feeling yet). I can no longer find the beauty in the songs. So when the next one finishes I say to him, I am going. His chivralry is gone now that he knows I am serious, and he is not walking me to the bus, instead he just points the way. He hugs me goodbye with a last attempt at convincing me, but I simply say, I am not ready for that. How can someone argue with me about what I am or am not ready for? That makes a man look like an asshole.

So another chaste kiss, but nothing substantial. And I say:

When am I going to get a real kiss?

His face falls.

And I say, you're not ready.

And I turn around and go home.

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