Dear Diary,

Just in case you were wondering, I am weak. I need to own up to that right now.

Just a few details about what occurred after I walked away from Gemini. I called Bethany even though it was close to 1am. She was still awake... I told her about the date and my frustration. I walked toward her house and she came out and met me. We bought candy and broke into the park and sat on a bench in the rain and talked about men, and their confusing messages, and dating and sex and how it can all go too fast and how men and women seem at odds. Isn't she a true friend?

Incidentally while I was walking away from Gemini and toward Bethany, I got a text message from Smitten: "The world is a better place because of you. Thanks for being here."

Uh. I swear, that man can tell on some level when I have been with someone else. Usually when I am hanging out with Jerry, Smitten will call that same night. He appears to have some kind of radar for Gemini too. Maybe it's some weird energetic thing and my clinging to him loosens up when I am thinking about the possibilities of another guy... I guess I should be dating more.

After the night in the park with Bethany I got home late and collapsed into bed. Yesterday was okay in that I got myself outside and in the sun. That is all good for me. I took my big thick novel outside and read.

Oscar texted and invited me to the movies. I let him know that I am on a budget (read: broke) and that I can't do movies but maybe something cheap like tea. He said he had a movie pass and he would give it to me, so after thanking him I met up to go out and see Julie & Julia.

So I got ready and when I left the house it was after five o'clock. Don't think that I forgot that in my (cold) text message I told Smitten he could call me either on Thursday or Sunday afternoon. Here it was Sunday 5pm and I hadn't heard from him. I am getting pretty reckless in my old age and just dialed him, he answered.

In the beginning of the conversation I stick to my intention- well I can't be cold, but I can be non-plussed, non- attached... what is he doing? Trying to choose photos for his exhibition. Oh, I remark, I imagine that's difficult. (I'm not helping him and ignored his mass email with request to do so). What am I doing? I am on my way somewhere, off to see a movie with a friend, I am so busy and breezy and no I hardly ever think of you.

But then he says, I miss you. And I get weak. Really? Yes, he says. Even though it doesn't make sense because he doesn't call or keep in touch or anything. And he starts singing the same old song. He is depressed (we talk about our dead friends for a bit), he hates where he is and wants to get back here. Yes he will hold my hand and take me out when he's here (even though that didn't happen last time?). I am just a sucker. I forgot all about breaking up with him, how can that be? Then I try to be in control and I say, well I have to be going but you know what (I want to tell him about graduating from Serena's program...) and he says, "You miss me."

Damn. I had to laugh and say yes, I do... (but I wonder if I've just made another big mistake).

Weak.

The movie was great fun, in my opinion, and of course it was full of food, which made us hungry. Then Oscar called his girlfriend Allison and she invited me to dinner. But once again I declined due to financial restrictions. Allison said they would treat me... okay I accepted. We ended up going to a pretty expensive place too, French food, to celebrate the movie. I had a tart appetizer (I know, wheat, but we're not telling anyone, okay?) and duck, and a few bites of dessert as well. I also drank a little wine, just a little, because you know alcohol and I don't mix well!

During this fabulous day of being treated Gemini called me a couple of times and so did Bethany. I wasn't on my way home till past midnight, and saw a text from Gemini: "Where are you I need to talk to you"

Dude, for real? That is interesting. Maybe he feels like an asshole or something. Or maybe the chase is on. Or maybe he feels Smitten playing tug-of-war. I certainly don't understand Man Logic, and I think I'm giving up trying. But I do feel like I don't do anything right. I can't even tell if I'm being myself anymore.

And last night I wanted to call Smitten so badly, and ask him if he was serious about missing me. I just don't understand him. And I could tell by the feeling inside me that it wouldn't be good to call. He would just give me words but not his actual physical presence or anything concrete to hold onto, not even dates of return or anything. It makes me crazy and I don't understand how I let someone have such power over me.

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