Dear Diary,

What. To say.

The day: long. Ominous. I struggled with a few simple tasks: trying to answer emails, attempting to wash some dishes and then some dresses in the bathroom sink. I keep forgetting to buy toilet paper, and it's starting to get ugly.

I went outside so as not to completely waste the day, and finished my big thick novel. All romantic and dramatic and whatnot, with just a bit of an unfinished romance at the end, so they can have a sequel.

I actually started to order my books for school, which is something I should have done weeks ago.

I also called Gemini back- he'd dialed me before noon... we talked for a little bit... I told him I was working today. He didn't pressure me to go out or anything, so maybe he was busy too. He just said he wants to see me very soon, ok? I said ok. I don't know if that's actually going to happen.

Then I went out for a quick meeting, came back home. Was on FB and saw that Smitten was online. I wrote a chat to him and.... no response... his little green dot went white... and then after some time, when I went back and checked he had gone offline.

One, this is not the first time this has happened. Two, lest you think I am exaggerating or being dramatic, I swear to you that this occured in a span of about 20 seconds. Three, I have done this myself when I DON'T want to talk to someone, before they developed that special little feature in which you can completely block someone from chatting with you.

Needless to say, what ensued for me was a rapid downward spiral of feeling very, very bad. It was so... deliberate... and so hurtful. I am so confused. Why does he take my calls at all, why does he flirt with me, why does he say he misses me or ANYTHING- say we should get STD tests, kiss me, anything like that... if he really doesn't want to talk to me? It felt like such a blow, and I became so depressed, I decided I was going to bed at 10:30pm. I was really at a loss and maybe thinking that I should just have sex with Gemini. Maybe I should have all kinds of sex with men but never kiss them, since kissing is obviously the intimate thing that men don't really want to do and it only causes trouble. Fuckers.

I was so distraught and thought that I should just delete all his info from everywhere- his email, FB, phone number... whatever.... I just can't seem to get disentangled from him, as usual I just can't seem to LET GO. It is a theme for me... how difficult was it to let go of Alphie even when I KNEW he was no good for me on any level... how long has it taken me to distance myself from M... well but I loved him the most, so what can I say about that.

In any case I got out my cards and said, tell me what Smitten thinks about me, why is he behaving this way? And up came 5 of pentacles which for me means insecurity, great fear. This is something my friend Pia pointed out when I told her the details of my interactions with Smitten- the conversations we've had and his behavior at the 4th of July party. She said he is afraid because he knows I am real and if he got involved with me it would be real. She is supposed to look at some of his astrology and let me know if he is even in a time of his life when he is able to have a relationship- that will at least make me feel better to know that.

Regardless, at this point I was feeling like shit.

Anyhow then I lay down and of course I couldn't sleep. So I put on a movie and ate a bag of gluten-free cookies, which as you know always makes everything better. Okay, it doesn't- because now I have a severe stomach ache, and am sneezing. Even though those things were wheat free I am probably still allergic to something in them. They were probably loaded with sugar, because I have a headache and I didn't read the label. I just saw gluten-free, and my money is fast disappearing and I didn't even know what to buy...

Then I was really bored and checked my FB and saw that Smitten had made more comments and wrote back from the message I sent him. So he will write to me and be a goof but he will not chat with me live, hardly ever calls me back.... and... I dunno.

So exhausting. So useless... I mean really... all this time I could be having some kind of RELATIONSHIP with someone, but I only seem to attract men who can't get it together or don't want to kiss me or take forever to kiss me, or just want to have sex or something like that, boring, boring, boring... let's have something real, ok, people?

Jesus.

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