Ha. I'm so confused. I'm a dork, for sure, and confused, and I have psychological problems.
Just letting you know...
So, yesterday... I knew I had to go to the bank so I could pay my rent. Jimmy's house is right next to my bank, so I called him to see if he'd be home. I'd made him a CD, technically as a birthday present, because I'd never actually given him a gift this summer. So I went to the bank and stopped by. We chatted a bit, he made me a snack (as usual). He didn't bring up Smitten but I did- all I said was that I miss him. Although I doubt it will do any good to have that message passed on, because as we know Smitten ignores me anyway. (It may be time to break up with him again- more on that later).
Jimmy had somewhere to go so we walked out together, he asked me what I was going to do and I said I was probably going to hook up with Steffy. Jimmy said, "Oh, say hello to her for me, will you?" Then he was asking all sorts of questions about her. I kind of know that Jimmy isn't Steffy's type, but I answered the questions anyway. And I felt bad because all this time I was hoping to set Jimmy up with Bethany. But when I mentioned Bethany, Jimmy said, "Who?" Aw. I will not tell Bethany that... and also there is this weird thing that happens which is this: every guy that Bethany likes, seems to be attracted to Steffy. It is unfortunate, because they often end up dating Steffy, and even if they date Bethany they have already dated Steffy at least once. And Bethany is sensitive about that because Steffy is much younger than her, much thinner, and a different type entirely... so... I guess my plan for Jimmy and Bethany has not worked, even though they are probably more emotionally suited for each other.
At any rate then I was kind of wondering what to do; I was actually in Gemini's neighborhood, and thinking I could call him up and tell him to meet me somewhere for a hug and a kiss, but then something in me said to just cool it on that one for awhile. So I decided to see if Elliot wanted to meet up instead, since he has sent me a couple of text messages. He didn't have class last night so he said, yes let's meet and go to the park. While in the park he was telling me about some great new business opportunities he has gotten, I am a little jealous. Then we determined that I was hungry and since I am broke Elliot would treat me to something. We went to a diner that we have been to a few times and it is CLOSED. FOREVER. Gone. Recession. There you go.
So then we weren't sure where to go and ended up going to a fish place. We split a fish dinner with mashed potatoes and green beans, yum! And also a half-dozen raw oysters. Yum, yum, yum. At least Elliot is an eater, he will eat everything on the plate if I am not careful to stake my claim, but he understands the value of eating!
Elliot is nice to hang out with because he appreciates my femininity and will compliment my outfit and how I look, etc. I told him I had a crush on a woman, and laughed and joked did he feel threatened by that? He said only 15%. It would be more if I had a crush on a guy, he said, but not much more since Elliot is so open-minded.
I do appreciate Elliot's masculine energy, how he wraps his arm around my waist and guides me about town. We will even hold hands and hug and squeeze each other. After dinner I thought we were headed to his house to cuddle- but he thought we were headed to my house. There is no way anyone is coming over to my house- it is not only cluttered but it is kind of filthy, to be honest. I have to clean! I did say we will have to make a plan and he can come over some other time and we will have a cuddle day with food and movies.
So he walked me to my appropriate bus and I said thank you and went to kiss him chastely on the lips but he opened his mouth as if he expected a full on tongue kiss! That was a little weird. Maybe this whole time Elliot has been hoping that I would eventually warm up to him and we would have some kind of sexual escapade together. Dream on, Elliot, dream on. Maybe I am giving the wrong kind of signals by letting him buy me dinner, but... things have been this way for awhile so who's fault is it? I wonder.
Then I came home, and was sitting here being depressed and then I did a bad thing. Yes, I called Smitten again. I do this because I get into some kind of mindset where I say, oh poor Smitten, he told me he was depressed and maybe he just needs to talk to someone and if I just reach out and we chat what's the harm? But then I call, and, you guessed it, he does not pick up and I leave a message and he never calls back. Then I feel like shit.
And I realized that maybe to Smitten I am a bit like Will. When Will calls me, it makes me cringe. I just sense a neediness and clinginess in him, it is sooo unattractive and I hardly ever call him back right away, usually I wait days and days and sometimes a week because I am so repulsed by his energy and lack of direction and... ew. Am I like that? Maybe. Maybe because when I like a person I suddenly become desperate for him to like me back, and then... ew. I hate to think of myself like that. I mean, I'm sure I can't be THAT bad... can I? But maybe I am because all the guys that I really like seem to distance themselves from me pretty quick.
Ew. Ew. Ew. Trying not to hate myself right now. Don't really know how to fix it, either.
Capricorn had called me in the evening while I was out, so I decided to give him a call. I felt like he was playing some kind of game with me too. I told him when we met that I didn't like it when guys tried to make plans via text, so he should call me when he wanted to do something. The next day he texted me that he wanted to hang out, he knew I didn't like text but he didn't want to wake me up. I texted back that no I didn't like text so he should call me.
So he did. So I call him back. It's 11pm at night. He's on his way back home (practically in my neighborhood). He wants to see me, to give me a hug. I dunno. I am tired, haven't slept much.... he says he will jump in a cab and meet me at the park down the street. So I brush my teeth and hair (not with the same implement) and I meet him there. He is cute and fit, but a little pushy. Meaning he talks fast, he wants to put his arm around me, he jokes that I am his "girl". He says he is just kidding and tells me I have to take him with a grain of salt. Okay. He asks me several questions about myself: when was the last time I had a serious boyfriend? when was the last time I dated someone? what do I do for work? Blah blah blah. We walked to the corner and then hugged goodbye.
I didn't sleep well at all, woke up every 3 hours or so. Ugh.
He left a message at 9:15am. Hi where are you let's go to breakfast blah blah blah. Ugh. Back to sleep.
Then I called him at 1ish. Where have you been? We could have had breakfast or lunch. Uh, I am not a morning person. I try to tell him about my sleep problems but I am getting the gist that he is not a very good listener. He is always jumping to the next sentence. He wants to get together RIGHT NOW. I say, I need time to wake up, get myself together. Okay, he says, I will give you a half hour.
Uh. No. I will call you back.
Then he acts all disappointed, okay... I'm not gonna see you today... pout pout.
Dude, slow the fuck down. I just met you last week. I may actually have a life... plans... things to do... he seems like he likes to run and jump and do everything NOW! but I am not like that. And basically now I am feeling quite pressured and unheard and unappreciated as the person I am. I am not on call and I prefer someone who can make a plan, not expect me to jump because he says so. He obviously likes how I look but he may also have some projections about who I am supposed to be, so, sorry, he will be sorely disappointed.
Now I am sitting here trying to get myself together, it's taken me all afternoon to just write this entry. My head feels all fuzzy and I feel terrible from lack of sleep.
Well there are men coming into my life, it seems, even though I haven't necessarily found one of quality. I thought nothing would ever happen after M but when I look:
1. Elliot
2. Swing
3. Smitten
4. Blaze
5. Gemini
6. Capricorn
Not an impressive list by any means but at least that means the Man-Faucet is open.
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