Dear Diary,

Sorry for being so lame, but just for the record I DID start an entry yesterday, but then my computer froze, and I had to shut everything down and that was that...

And the day before I completely exploded at my mother, because she calls me everyday and frets at me, and asks me if I have any presentations and am I looking for a new job and blah, blah, blah. I said I didn't want to talk about it, and she gave me a hard time about that and said, "Well it's important," and somehow I just exploded and my voice escalated as I asked her don't you think I KNOW IT'S IMPORTANT???!!! It is after all my fucking survival... in any case... then she gets to play the martyr who is "just trying to help" and all hurt and misunderstanding of "why people are so mean when I am just trying to help" never really understanding that her constant peppering of worrying questions sans solutions is NOT helpful. She does the same thing to my father, with the same result- eventually he loses his cool and explodes and then he is the bad guy... passive aggression at its best.

Ahhhhh. Sooo.... Wednesday I hooked up with Steffy, we have a job together that we are planning, so that will be something coming my way... even though we both felt like crap, we worked on it a bit. Sounds like the guy that gave her the shaft is coming back into the picture... she called him and left a message, then asked me three times if I thought that was okay. What is it about relationships, or potential relationships, that turns otherwise smart, powerful women into wet dishcloths who doubt themselves??

I have so much anger about it all, about Smitten especially, and some at M... his ex once again friended me on FB, with a little message. It is all still too raw, close to the bone. I have thought about it, and I really don't want to be friends with her. I don't see the point, other than to make myself more miserable... cause I can look at her beautiful face (and she is gorgeous) every day as she blogs about her new lover and their great successful life while I have nothing, and my heart was broken by her ex... it's a little too convoluted... I dunno. But feeling bad for ignoring her so I did write her a message back. She replied reminding me that she sent me a friend request. I'll just ignore it some more, I suppose.

Last night I decided to go to church and I saw Lalla there... she asked me about Smitten and I told her the deal- we kissed once, he ignores me. She just said he is not ready for me. No shit.

Emily sent me $300 because she knows I am broke, and well, it is gone already because of bills I had to pay. How pitiful. Capricorn called me after the long weekend and said he wanted to see if I wanted to go to lunch or to the movies. I was kind of surprised he called considering his shitty pouty attitude at the end of our last meeting when I refused to talk about other guys I was dating... he is fucking clueless. I just don't have the energy to deal with him. Gemini also called telling me to call him back because he wants to "invite me to an event." I guess we shall see what that might be...

Gar gar gar. I am angry, angry, angry. I know it is September 11th and nobody in this country is happy and I am supposed to say something nice about people that died and be grateful for my own life. I AM very sorry about what happened and believe me I was very close to the situation and that is why I do NOT like to talk about it. I saw what happened, in real life. And please excuse me for my own self-pity at this moment, it is not meant to disrespect anyone.

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