tears, and a letter to W [ 2009-09-18, 11:48 a.m. ]

Hi Diary,

A lot of the time I've just felt too tired at the end of the day to update, so I haven't. But unfortunately I've really gotten off my sleep schedule- for no damn good reason. Well, I mean staying up too late for no good reason... and then having other factors like waking up with cramps and just not sleeping well in general.

I've been really busy... somehow. For one, I've been trying to push through a bunch of things with work. It's been a terrible struggle in which I've felt like I'm in my own way- kind of like I really want to make money, and I can but I won't let myself have it. Does that make sense? I don't know if it does, but that's what it feels like.

Also I've been realizing just how crazy angry I feel. All. The. Time. I guess it has always been there, but it's something I trained myself not to feel. Maybe to survive, I guess. But I'm angry. I haven't stood up for myself very much. I've taken a lot of shit, treated myself like shit, and usually I feel like shit all the time. Seems to be related.

In any case, somehow I organized a little work for myself, and so I've actually made a spot of money- that's good because, you know, bills and everything. Rent to be paid. I have a friend helping me with marketing. I want to redo everything!

Also I have been working with Steffy on our project, and I think we've met four times already this week and we are meeting today. So I suppose it feels good to be getting things done. Tuesday when I went over there, we were talking and eating first, and somehow I got on the subject of reaching up to get M's card and how I wept without ever getting it. We talked a bit about how I still have this incredible sadness, and she listened- she said she really didn't know that I still felt this way. I told her I stopped trying to talk about it because of people's judgments, and she said she hoped that I knew that she didn't feel that way. And I cried a lot and then she actually spooned me, and we took a nap. I'm not sure why I cried. I'm not sure why I still get sad. I don't even know M anymore. I know that our relationship wouldn't have worked the way he was, and I don't know the way he is now. I don't really have any delusions about him being perfect, or coming back, or it all working out. I just feel this great sadness, and sometimes I think maybe it's just some karma I'm working out. And that sounds crazy to most people, and they usually accuse me of being obsessive. Whatever. I do what I can, I recognize my feelings and if I can help it, I don't pretend to be somebody I'm not.

I know he was really good to me, and I was really good to him. There was deep appreciation there. We never called each other names, or accused, or played drama games. We owned our stuff, our own faults, and admitted when our own crap was in the way. It was perhaps, my first real adult relationship. Something really monumental about it.

Anyhow. Moving on. I finally hooked up with Evelina. We were supposed to meet last week, but, as usual, she didn't call me to confirm and I didn't call her, just as an experiment, and the time came and went and we didn't meet. So, fine. I'm tired of being the one who remembers and confirms, so no big deal. But then she sent me an email that she was interested in one of my presentations, so I called her and told her that if we could hold it at her house, she could be there for free... well that worked and has saved me money in the long run as well. I didn't make a huge chunk of cash but enough to get the monthly bills- phone, internet and credit card- paid. So I don't have to freak out. Even though I am kind of freaking out, since one more digit has been added to my credit card statement and I never wanted to go there. It's time to do something radical... get a job? get off my ass and make more money??

But. I did see Evelina on Wednesday and it was like, well, we are friends again and all is cool... except she keeps trying to get me to go to these "yoga classes" but you have to wear a uniform, and I think I read somewhere that this place is a cult. I don't have the extra money to invest in classes and I told her so, so I've been keeping away from those classes. If I start writing like I'm some kind of brainwashed idiot, please stage and intervention!

And speaking of cults, I've been going to a meditation group. Well I'm just kidding. About the cult part. I decided I'm going to dedicate a certain amount of my time to structured spiritual pursuits as Pia (my astrologist) pointed out that certain things are happening in a certain spiritual house and well, it made me think that I should put some concentration there. So that's where I went last night, even though I had cramps and felt yucky for most of the evening...

And I got treated to lunch twice this week. Once I was meeting an ex-colleague and he had said he wanted to meet with me and ask me some questions before he moved. The man brought a notebook and pen with him to take notes, this is how serious he was about getting something for himself- and don't you know, first of all he chose a crappy place for lunch, secondly, as I was going up to the counter, the cashier said my total was $5.41 and the fool who invited me to lunch just stood there... expecting me to pay for my own food. REALLY? You just invited me to lunch expecting FREE information and then you just stand there and won't even shell out $5.41 for it??? That's what went through my mind but as usual, I didn't say anything out loud and started digging through my bag saying to myself, never, never will I do this again...

And I was digging and digging and digging and, lo and behold, I discovered my wallet was NOT in my bag. I was digging so long that it started to get awkward and colleague finally gave it up and paid the man. But the whole thing was a close call and told me a lot about HIM. I have to watch this thing very closely from now on because people/aquaintances/colleagues are always inviting me "to tea" or saying let's have lunch but what they are really saying is, "I don't want to pay you for a consultation, I want free info so let me pretend I want to see you for a social visit so I can pump you for information." The fuckers.

Speaking of which... another message from Wisconsin... Wisconsin, of all people! The disappearing man. First he writes and wishes me well, then another one like that. Then an email saying he'd like to meet for tea and talk about some seminars he is considering taking. When I first saw that, I couldn't even process it. Then I was talking to my friend, and telling him about it, and I how was tempted to write W an email, but then I would be accused of being an "angry" woman. That somehow there's this supposition that I should be "nice". But my friend said that he actually likes women who get angry, because it shows they are passionate. Hmm. It was kind of inspiring talking to him, and afterward I wrote this email to W. I haven't sent it yet.... this is a rough draft that just flowed out of me. See what you think:


"Hi W,
I hope all is well with your work and life- I think I saw you on an insurance ad on televison last year- you were riding a motorcycle? I'm pretty sure it was you. In any case, good to see you are having some success.
In answer to your other question, re: tea, I don't think so. I will just tell you honestly why not. Back in 05/06, you may recall we did a little dance back and forth that involved some attraction, some physical intimacy (kissing, etc.) Once we were supposed to get together, you said you would call me and then I did not hear from you for 6 months. Then you called and acted like I had spoken to you yesterday. It was weird- I told you I was upset and felt disrespected, really you owed me nothing but it would have been nice, just person to person, if you had called when you said you would, or notified me that you would not be keeping plans, or were going to be away for awhile- what to me would have felt like common courtesy, the same as a person would have for a casual friend or aquaintence. If you remember in this conversation, you were upset, cried and apologized, and then we resumed our connection.
We spent more intimate time together (playing, kissing, bathing). There was one evening where we were particularly intimate, then a few days later you told me you'd be away for "a period of time." During that time you were unreachable by phone. It all seemed rather secretive. Then next time you surfaced, again you acted like no time had passed. You expressed that you would like to "share time" with me. Or be my assistant. Or talk about information that you wanted.
So I'm letting you know what I've noticed about you. As a man, I no longer trust you. I know you are a private person, you did express a bit that you had something going on with an ex, but not much else. When a woman opens her body to you, chances are that she opens her heart too. I am a woman who's heart is very much connected to her body. I'm not saying I was in love with you, but my feelings were hurt when you would not communicate, keep your promises or when you just disappeared without notice. I didn't even need explanation- courteous notice would have been nice.
Also, I notice that you really only contact me when you want something. You want physical intimacy, or information. But I don't get the sense that you truly respect me, or care about me in particular. That's okay, I don't need you to care about me, and I don't need you to be attracted to me- trust me this is not even about being rejected sexually, that is fine, I don't need that from you either. For me it is about the communication- I want good communication with everyone in my life. I never know what you really want. You say you want to have tea but I know you really want to get free work advice. I don't want to be used by you. As a woman, as a lover, or as a teacher. I feel that you have a bit of a user in you.
I say all this with an open heart. I care about myself too much to put myself in the way of your carelessness. I have plenty of men friends, students, etc. that I go out to tea with that I honestly feel respect and care for me. So I know the difference between honestly wanting to be connected with and being used. I'm going to trust my feminine intuition on that.
And even as I say this to you I feel a genuine liking of you. I loved how you would smile during meditation, how much you liked yoga, many of our conversations and play. But I don't want to be used by you. No offense. I hope you have a very happy life.
Sincerely, Duck"

Well, I suppose I should accomplish something today.

Later.

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