Dear Diary,
Of course just when I am starting to feel good about my accomplishment, I get an email from Smitten. He is off in some tropical place doing a photo shoot and writes, "I wish you were here with me," which just fucks with my head. I mean really, I am trying not to be sad. It is just too many mixed messages. I like you so much but I never call you or return your messages... uh... ok...
I have been sniffly and uncomfortable for the last couple of days... very attractive. Somehow I managed to rally for work last night, but afterward I was completely pooped. That didn't keep me from staying up too late watching Vanity Fair with Reese Witherspoon. I may have to read the book. I like long novels that span a significant period of time, and that story seems like it would be one.
Overall I am feeling a little bummed today. I feel like I should send M that card, get things moving. Get his stuff out of here. Make some room in this place. Maybe purge a closet or two. I don't know if I have enough physical strength to actually do that with sniffles and a cough, but it all needs to be done. Somehow, life just keeps going on, whether I am happy with it or not.
And that's just life.
I was in Serena's class the other day when I got a text from Alphie, saying he wanted to ask me a question and if that was okay. I replied sure and he could call me after the class was over. I was kind of trying to guess what he would say and my two thoughts were either work or inviting me to his and Grace's wedding. So I did a little psychic experiment with myself and I felt like it was definitely about work... which it it was. Alphie called later in the day and I just picked up and said hello. He started out by saying he didn't know if we were still friends, or what was okay, but there was a space open in the next conference for a presenter and since he has some clout there - and I had told him years ago that I was interested- he wanted to call and give me the opportunity first.
I replied that since we haven't spoken to or seen each other in about two years, that we don't really know each other anymore, but that I am open to working in the same place. I felt this was important to say because it just feels right to establish with Alphie that HE DOESN'T KNOW ME. In the past he has always been flippant about judging and describing others, and I've been on the end of it many times: "Well, you know Duck, she's like this-" or "Duckie always... Duck never..." and he will be happy to describe me away to whomever, even myself. So it felt important to me to remind him that we have both changed because that's what people do, and he cannot take it for granted that he knows who I am or what I am about.
Also, although the post was something I originally wanted, I'm not sure about it now. For one thing they are holding it in a different location, which is not as appealing as the place they used to have it. Also the cost is quite expensive to stay and rent a room, much more expensive than the place they used previously. Although the idea is that the money one makes would exceed the cost of hotel. When I factor in plane flight and hotel cost, I find that's half of what I would make... if, in fact, I got a certain amount of work while I was there... which is not guaranteed. Alphie usually does pretty well at those things, but when I knew him he was not the best at managing money either. He would say, oh I made $3,000! But he didn't tell you that he spent $1800 on travel expenses and hotel, because really I don't think he would even think about that... he would only see the biggest number. So I have to consider all these factors before I commit to anything.
Anyhow, right now it doesn't even feel like I belong there, so maybe I just don't. Maybe that's not going to work out at all... that will be okay, I suppose... I'm not feeling too attached. And I really do feel like I could protect myself a whole lot better when it comes to Alphie... things with Grace are still the same. Minimal eye contact and communication, blah blah blah. I know I won't be invited to THAT wedding, because even though Alphie is reaching out and trying to be friends in the best way he knows how, Grace still obviously has some issue with me... maybe angry at something I did to her, or, even Thomas pointed out that she is extremely protective of Alphie. Last month I heard her tell one story to Serena about why they didn't go to the workshop (the one where I thought I'd see them there)- that because Alphie felt he couldn't go. She must not have noticed that I overheard her talking to Serena, because when I asked Grace why they didn't go she said she was sick. Then Thomas told me that Grace told him a completely different story, so who knows what the truth is? Do I even have the energy to care? Maybe not.
So, that is that... I asked Alphie if I could think about it and he said sure, but I'm already kind of feeling like it's a no-go. He did also say he thought I'd be one of the best people for the job, and that he loved me. That kind of surprised me and I laughed and said I did love him too. Honestly I must because why else do I hate him so much? Alphie and I did have some fun and really transformative times, that is all true.
I am supposed to have dinner with the girls tonight, so I'm going to try to stay positive for the rest of the day... even though I'm pretty exhausted.
Love,
Duck
[previous] [next]
