Dear Diary,

I'm sure I had something witty to say, but it's been lost.

I'm also having a hard time getting my comma to work on my keyboard, it requires punching (and I mean punching) the key three times so maybe I will try to write the rest of this entry without commas. Although you know me and usually I am very well-written with only a minor spelling error or two but adequate punctuation. It may drive me a little nuts. I think I'll just keep punching.

I'm still having dizzy spells which is unfortunate... ever since last week or so when I maxed myself out (having taken on too much). I thought a couple of days of just chilling would cure it but it hasn't gone away (see I wanted to have a comma back there).

In any case, it hasn't gone. I even get dizzy while lying down, which is rather frightening. And I'm pretty exhausted. I don't want to get back in my bad form so I have to be careful.

Other news: I had a massage which I traded for which was less than satisfying and aggravated the pain I already have on a consistent basis. So no more trading for me even if people insist they have great massage training.

I cleaned my house which was well overdue so now it's slightly easier to handle... the main room is still kind of messy but overall it's okay. I actually made the decision to send M the card I've been waiting to send but wouldn't you know I couldn't find it? Yes seriously. It was not where I thought it was and now I really just don't know where it is. I suppose more cleaning and organizing is in order and it will turn up. Maybe the timing wasn't right and it's all divine that I couldn't find it.

I worked yesterday and Bethany helped me out a lot. Howard returned from his traveling abroad and moved in with Bethany so I went out to dinner with them. It feels to me like Howard was never gone. Bethany was irritating me a bit but I felt I had no right to be irritated because she is always helping me tremendously. And I know it's my fault that she bothers me anyway, she really just is who she is.

Smitten: hmm. Well might as well be honest. He sent me an email that I ignored for a week and then responded to, lightly. Then he responded right away. I waited another two days and wrote back, again always light, short sentences. He again wrote back right away and I responded again quickly now no reply. Which is fine because I told myself that would most likely be the case. I did all that because yes I am lonely on a relationship level that I would really like someone to connect to. Also Pia insists that now is the time that something could really be happening for me and I guess I was trying to give a little nudge. Anyhow don't expect any miracles.

I want to get myself together and maybe go to a dance class. I have some money to pay bills etc from working yesterday which is a relief. Also my sister sent me some money and told me to get myself whatever I wanted and that could go for a dance class or two. I have really been rather frugal- yesterday was the first time in a long time I went out to eat (and I had a lot of annoyance about it because we were in Bethany's neighborhood and it is the same semi-expensive place we always go and I was trying to find out from her where else can we go where the food is interesting? But she couldn't come up with anything even though there must be 27 restaurants in the vicinity of her house but she always wants to do the same thing, it's kind of a drag... ok that's my annoyed rant).

Last night I finished my big English novel and cried while reading it. The crying was no doubt instigated by the sad story blah blah blah but really I felt like it was very own grief probably still about M. I went to my meditation group last night and we had the opportunity to pray about what we want to let go of. Well I wanted to let go of disharmony in my relationships with Smitten and M and whoever else because it just makes life rather unbearable so that's what I asked for.

This morning I had a ton of dreams, one that Smitten and I were together and he was very protective of me, it seemed as though we rescued a young boy and we were all moving together through some sort of park with mobile homes. Then another dream in which I was with my mother getting ready to go- it felt like I had been on some kind of excursion but had lost things like my clothes and shoes. I was trying to find them and my mother and I were going in two different cars then we couldn't find the car I was supposed to be driving.... it was right there a second ago... It has been a long time since I've had dreams of loss constantly losing things and searching for them, which I connect to my abandonment issues. So maybe working on another layer of that. Also had a couple of dreams of kissing and making love to a couple of beautiful women which was nice... lucky me.

And that's that. I couldn't resist punching in a few commas. Sometimes one letter on my keyboard will be sticky but then it rights itself. I hope this is the case... I have hopes of just starting to catch up financially and I don't need to worry about buying a new computer!!

Love
Duck

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