#2

Hey Diary,

I got cut off there during my last entry...

So I was writing about some realizations I had about M. And then I was thinking about Smitten as well. Yesterday I received another "mass" email from Smitten (I'm not sure who exactly is on the list, it is bcc) which contained a poem. The poem was in the same vein as the last one, something about how we used to be together and we kissed under the big sky blah blah blah. No, the poem is not about me. He is still in love with his past, and I am over it. I don't know what happened, but I feel like something inside of me has broken. I just don't want to try to force round pegs into square holes anymore...

In the same moment that I realized that M might never catch up or be capable, I also thought of Smitten. If I were to be with either one of those guys it would require fixing. It all seems like too much work. My whole life I have dated guys who needed to do their own personal growth work, who had severe neurosis of some sort. Even now, I was thinking that if M and I ever got back together, I would have to wait for him to catch up... I can't really think of him any other way than that. And Smitten, when I think of being with him I think, well I don't like this or that, I hope this would change, he's not quite what I want but he seems to be what I've been given, so...

Then it suddenly occurred to me, why not get someone who is ready, who has his shit together, someone I don't have to train, who is ready to show up? Someone who is kind and open-hearted and not riddled with ego and sarcasm like Smitten- someone who is ready and doesn't need to be chased and convinced of how loveable I am.

Damn. I know I have been saying this for years but it seems I am finally starting to walk my talk as far as believing that I deserve better.

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