Okay so, long time no write.

I'm not really sure why.

I've been terrifically busy, I suppose that's a good thing. I worked Friday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday... and had stuff going on by Friday again. I was pleasantly surprised that work was kind of, well, lucrative. I've been making some money. Able to pay my bills. It feels good. I've been proactive, sometimes staying up too late to get a lot done- sorting through and writing emails, finishing up promotional things... not waiting till the last minute- that also all feels good!

Sleeping- not going so great (obviously). But I just ordered some supplements online that should help. And, as always, I am renewing my vow to commit to the basics- sleep, and good eating. I've been doing great on my gluten-free lifestyle... now I really just have to cut out the sugar. I know that will be amazing for me and I'll probably lose another five pounds right away (by the way- people have been telling me I look skinnier. Even though I still can't fit in any of my jeans. But if I do manage to go off sugar again, I'm sure it won't be long).

In any case, that all seems to be looking up. I bought some bok choy today, determined to cook it. It supposedly is a very good source of calcium. I need to eat healthier. Dammit.

So... that's what I feel my life is about. Going to school, working, and trying to eat better and sleep better. When people ask me what I do, I don't even know what to tell them. I just feel like the past two years has been about staying alive, and trying to get out from under. Tough to talk about in an elevator.

Gia will be coming later this week, and my house is a complete wreck... so I have to get some cleaning done. A lot to do. I can never seem to get enough rest. But I have hopes for the future... Keith sent me some supplements that quiet my brain at night. He says if I can manage to get some deep sleep, my adrenals will be able to heal. So I bought those supplements, and also something for my adrenals. And I'm back to taking my vitamin C every day. I hate taking pills, but I have to be committed. It's for my well-being!

Love life? Not much going on there. No Smitten. No M. Nothing there. This Thursday will be the two-year anniversary of the last time I saw M. Isn't that crazy? All this time, and still so difficult. And I STILL have not gotten his stuff together to mail back or sent him a note. Why? Because I'm so picky about organization. For one, he left some pillows here. I feel like I should wash them before I send them back. You know, I've lain on them and sat on them and cooked bacon in the house, I imagine they smell like me. Or something. And I couldn't find that card. I told Stacey that and she said, "What fucking card? You need a card? I'll pay for one. I'll pay for postage. Just get that fucking stuff out of your house."

She's right. It's time to clear and make space.

Sigh.

I have to purge my closets. I have all kinds of things I no longer wear, shit that doesn't belong to me, I have to make some space!

Oh so much to do. But no energy to do it!

Emily was here for a week. She is taking 6 months off from work. She will go and live with Mr. G, and visit family, and maybe come here and also we make take a trip together. While she was here she treated me to a massage, a very fancy dinner, and even bought me a bunch of stuff at the health food store. We went there together and I chose all the stuff I wanted (magnesium, colloidal silver spray, conditioner) and she just took stuff out of my hands and said, I'll pay for these. She is a good and generous friend.... I guess she finds support in talking to me, and that is a great contribution for her... so I am just going to relax about the balance in friendship. She doesn't have to do those things- she chooses to do them.

I did take some of the money my sister sent me and went to dance classes. I'm so glad I did, because I was feeling very stressed and it definitely helped me to feel better. I need to engage in some kind of physical activity and dance definitely helps! I even went today, and really enjoyed it.

Interesting development- I might have a playmate. Of sorts. Last time I went to take Serena's class, I had a conversation with Shelby, who is one of Serena's students also. Basically, in a nutshell, he said he was interested in me, and uh.... wanted to get to know me. And, he's married, I've met his wife. And his wife is in full support. Because they have that kind of relationship, and when they got together, it was after he was in a decade-long relationship and she said to him, "It seems to me like you're not quite done being single. I think you should see other women."

Sound crazy? Welcome to my life. I know, I know. I have so many instances of triangulation... but... this feels different. For one, Shelby is magnetic and handsome and I liked him right away- in that way he is like Alphie- but unlike Alphie, Shelby is a really good communicator. I mean really good- really clear. He proposed this idea and then we talked on the phone, I think for over an hour- and I asked all kinds of questions regarding agreements with his wife, etc. Also we talked about things we were afraid of, and Shelby was quite candid that he is kind of afraid to initiate, that he is attracted to me because I have a certain kind of aliveness that he wishes he had.

And I had two major fears to tell him about- one, I was afraid I'd be triangulated between him and his wife. We talked about that at length. And two, I was afraid I'd go into my abandonment spin. And I just told him that. I felt afraid, and shaky, and ashamed, but I just laid it all on the table, and it felt good because he could really hear me. And didn't judge me. And we agreed to communicate more. None of this would have happened with Alphie- he never would have been so vulnerable nor as supportive, so... I feel I'm making a good choice. Because, I am not meeting anyone here, except sometimes through work, and I've made a commitment not to date anyone through work anymore, because it's just been fucked up when I have. And I want a real MAN to just fool around with... a man who can handle me. A month ago at the party I was dancing and getting my freak on and I noticed all the men smiling in a nervous way and it was as if they all pulled back... because I scared them. I have big sexual energy. And I feel like Shelby can handle it, oh yes he can.

And, Eyes Wide Open, people. I don't really want Shelby to be my boyfriend. I don't have any delusions about that. He belongs to somebody else, and she supports this, so that's all cool. And, he's done it before with other people, so past experience shows she's cool. I figure it will just be good practice for when some great guy shows up in my life. And make me feel good. I want to feel good. I haven't had sex in TWO YEARS, people. And I know fooling around, whether we have intercourse or not, will make me feel good, and look good. Today for instance I felt like my forehead was all screwed up with tension... yeah I need to get me some.

But I never said I was normal, so if this is the way the Universe wants to give it to me, it's a good place to start. I don't know that we'll actually be having sexual intercourse, because I don't know if I could handle it. But we can start slow. I'm a different person than I was. How different? I'm not sure.

Hmm what else... a couple weeks ago I got an email from Frank. He was asking if he could refer someone to me. He was asking if that was okay. I replied sure, he could always refer anyone to me and he didn't have to ask. I asked how he was, we went back and forth a bit about mundane life stuff. I'm not sure how much I want to know because I'm not sure how much I care. But in my last email I said, "Sorry to hear about your friend (that died). I don't know what else to say via email because it is not my favorite way to communicate, but I hope you are well."

That should do it.

Well, that might be it for now. Hope that makes up for the 6-day dry spell.

Love,
Duck

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