Dear Diary,

Life has just kept on, been a bit overwhelming and not much time to write. I landed on Saturday and took a subway to meet Shelby. We went back to his place, snuggled a bit, had a snack, and went in the hottub of the place he's renting. It was all very nice... we talked a lot. But in a lot of ways I feel he's needier than me!

After the hottub we were wearing robes and lying on his bed... then he asked if he could open my robe and touch me. I said yes. It felt really good- we definitely have a chemistry together... and then he was pleasuring me with his hand, and started kissing me too. Seems like a backwards way of going about things, but I'm really not sure what the kissing rule is.

In any case, it was getting kind of hot and heavy and somehow it came to a little lull and he asked how I would feel if he got a condom. I told him it was too fast for me. He seemed to respect that. In any case it was getting close to the time for me to meet up with Thomas and Gia, so he drove me to their place.

Shelby came in for awhile and talked to everybody- Gia, Thomas and Shelly was there too- beautiful Shelly whom I have a crush on. I was aware of my feelings about connecting with Shelby, but there was no acknowledgement of our recent affection. So that was slightly weird. Then when he left, he really didn't say any special goodbye to me, he hugged Gia but not me.

I don't really know how to feel about any of it- this is an "arrangement" with a purpose. Shelby wants to play, with full permission from his wife, because he didn't get enough variety in his life. I found Shelby attractive from the time I first met him in July- and felt like I wanted a man just like him. So I figure, what better way to get him than to practice with someone who's just like the kind of person I want?

But there are still my abandonment issues, which come up even though my head knows better. I'm not really sure where my capacity lies in this moment. I know I have done a lot of work on myself, but I've been alone for two years. I haven't had any situations to test myself against, so I just don't know. Our time was fun and invigorating- but intercourse might still be the line for me. I'm not sure.

On Sunday I stayed in my pajamas all day. It seemed Thomas and Gia just wanted to take care of me. I was feeling completely exhausted from my hectic week, so it was just what the doctor ordered.

Today was class with Serena. It is only the third class of the year and it's the second time Grace has not shown up. Last month Serena hadn't even heard from her, there was no mention of it this time... You know what I'm hoping, don't you?My not-so-secret wish is that she will just drop out. That would be so lovely.

Anyhow. Soo tired now! Must sleep.

[previous] [next]