irks and gratitudes [ 2009-11-12, 1:34 p.m. ]

So...

Insert witty diary entry here. Right?

Things that irk me:

1. Every since I got my computer fully updated, it's actually SLOWER. It sucks- I hate it! It takes longer to do everything, and for some reason it's even harder to manipulate the cursor to do stuff like cut and paste. VERY INCONVENIENT. I suppose I should be grateful to have a computer at all, but this is my venting place. Ok?

2. Yesterday I stayed home with cramps, and worked a lot- sending out tons of emails and facebooking and crap like that. I don't know what happened, but it's almost as if the internet is a desert... nobody is responding! I know it's childish but I just feel ignored. Gah! Maybe a bit lonely- I didn't leave the house- just too exhausted and not feeling well. Workwise it's making me worry about money a bit, and social-wise I just feel ignored.

3. I've been eating sugar. Sigh.

4. Last night I decided to find a certain picture of myself, and I realized that the only way to get it was to go into the "M" folder and find it in an email I sent to him- because I had deleted the file on my hard drive. So of course I opened the can of worms. Saw the last email he wrote to me where he called me by my full name and not my nickname- that still bugs me and hurts my heart- and some photos, which also make me sad. I mean, I really thought this was supposed to be OVER, these feelings, you know? It's been two years.

And say what you will about me, Diary, but you know I've been working HARD! I've done everything I know how to do and then some... I just want to feel better. Is it always going to hurt this bad?

Now. Some good things to be grateful for:

1. I'm definitely thinner than a few months ago. If I don't go crazy with the sugar, I should be maintaining a nice figure.

2. Shelby. Haven't talked to him yet... he wanted me to spend one of my last evenings with him but I already had plans to stay with Thomas and Gia. I told him that it's hard for me to be spontaneous when I am in the area because I'm there for such a short time and often fill up with things to do... so we put our time on the calendar for next month. An overnight. And we have plans to talk before that.

It's a good thing, because there's a lot of opportunities for me here... one, to experience some affection and attraction.... it's uh, been a long time. Two, to watch my own patterns and kind of monitor them. I still have a bit of fantasy, but it is more sexual fantasy than relationship fantasy. Usually when I meet a guy it's not long before we're married and having babies inside my head. Well that's not even an option here, so it's very interesting. I have to be present with what is. And Shelby is pretty good at reading some things about me and asking for what he needs for himself. So I just have a feeling the whole thing will be an interesting preparation for my next real relationship.

I'm still not sure if we'll ever actually have intercourse. I don't know if I can do it without getting crazy and obsessive like I usually do. But as I said... it's been a long time. Who knows? I probably have to feel it out and maybe talk it out with a couple of my friends. Plus, Shelby and I haven't discussed intentions or STDs and those were things we were supposed to talk about. But I know he got excited and things went out the window. So I guess I'll have to bring it up.

The other good point is that even though Shelby is not officially a relationship, he still treats me better than Smitten as far as communication and being congruent with what he says and what he does. And it feels so much BETTER than running circles around myself trying to figure out Smitten. So that in itself is a gift.

3. Last night I went to get some food and was just struck with how grateful I feel for my cozy warm house, my quiet little street corner, and the park four streets over. I am really, really lucky. I have more than a lot of other people in the world do, and I am grateful.

Love,
Duck

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