Dear Diary,

Another day... another many dollars! Haha.

Yesterday I went to my meditation group. It was a long day but good overall. I saw Lalla and she invited me back to her house when everything was over, because she and her husband were having a little party. All I knew was Jimmy, and some other girl I have met a couple of times, and Jimmy's neighbors from across the hall. I think Jimmy is dating the other girl, whom I never thought was much to look at but when I really looked at her she's kind of cute. But she's pale and blond and usually that kind of thing just goes under my radar.

I felt a bit awkward just standing around in the kitchen, I didn't know many people and there didn't seem to be much to talk about. I often get this way in groups of people. I am not one for small talk and just end up feeling weird.

Jimmy asked me if I'd talked to Smitten and I said no, I also put in, "He doesn't respond." Because I always feel some kind of energy in Jimmy when he asks that question... almost like that is pointing some suggestion at me like I should be calling Smitten and it is my fault we don't talk. But Jimmy didn't say anything at all, then later on I heard him tell someone else that Smitten is in Europe. I then just felt like a dork for saying what I did because I was wondering if it made me sound truly pathetic. Sometimes I feel like one sentence or a look can totally unmask me and all my insecurities show. Well I doubt Jimmy is that observant but... who knows.

Anyhow. I left before it got too late because I had a big day of work. I caught myself feeling really sad on the way home. Even though I know I'm getting better, I still hate how sometimes I dip into that deep sadness around M and Smitten. I was feeling relatively high about getting together with Shelby in what I feel can be really healing for me. There's still a way that I just wish I could be better overnight and nothing about M or Smitten or Alphie or anyone would ever bother me again! But sometimes it just sneaks up on me. And I get angry... I get angry that these men leave and just never say anything at all... I get angry that they just move on and have other experiences and just never give me a thought. It's stupid, I know that.

Anyhow. I came home, took a double dose of sleep supplements and was out like a light. And woke up at 8:30am. Not too shabby. Somehow I managed to complete a whole bunch of things on my list AND take a shower and actually get where I was going ON TIME even though I accidentally jumped on the wrong bus. Wowwee...

I worked all day and met up with Bethany and John and another guy we know for dinner. I ate salad but also too many french fries. I think that's why I never order french fries. I also split a chocolate dessert with Bethany, sugar, I know I have to cut that. It is my major addiction and the hardest thing for me to do.

Easier said than done...

Well tomorrow I'm working but not till late evening, so I'm planning on lots of sleep!!

Easier said than done?

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