Dear Diary,

The other night once again I couldn't fall asleep- which is unfortunate and a little scary, since I took double the amount of sleep formula. It's the second night in a row that it hasn't worked!

And since I couldn't sleep I decided to call Shelby and see if he was awake. I know the he usually keeps late hours because he works and teaches during the day, and he had mentioned that he was going to call me this week, and the week was almost over, so I figured, what the hell? These are the things we talked about:

1. New stuff that we realized about ourselves.

2. Our last encounter, and how we each felt about it- him being ready and me SO not being ready!

3. My tendency to feel pulled in all directions whenever I am visiting in general, worrying if people are mad at me or if I'm making everybody happy. This also goes to me starting to worry if anybody tells me they "have to talk to me about something"- and I immediately start to worry. I realize it's exhausting and maybe affects my nerves and that is why I cannot sleep?? We therefore made an agreement that if something is bothering him Shelby will just tell me so that I will not have to "scan" and worry.

4. I brought up the incident of our parting last time and asked him if he would be willing to always hug me or show some kind of similar acknowledgment before we parted, even if we were in 'mixed' company with friends that are not aware of our arrangement. THIS WAS SCARY for me to bring up because I felt so needy- I talked about how I felt disappointed because he walked out the door and we didn't really have that last connection, and in the future I would prefer it to be different. To my surprise, he actually agreed and said he would have liked it to be different too. He said he felt awkward being around other people when in actuality we hadn't "finished" everything we needed to talk about before we went into the house. So we agreed that we would always make sure to finish all the emotional stuff that needed to be finished before we parted.

5. I also brought up the fact that we still needed to talk about STDs and our intentions of what exactly we are doing here. He was pleasantly surprised because he said, "Those are things I had on my list to talk about!" I informed him of my STD status and he told me his (both negative on all counts). And I guess we'll talk about our intents when next we meet.

Which we are both very excited about, and even more so now because so far in two conversations we've talked for a long time and gotten EVERYTHING out on the table no matter how long it takes. That feels really good, and I can only imagine this is a very good relationship for me in that way alone.

My house is a mess, and I have to pack to go home and see the parents. I'm feeling slightly overwhelmed!

Love,
Duck

[previous] [next]