I survived Thanksgiving!

All the food got on the table and everybody ate. The amount of stress experienced to get it there seems vastly out of proportion, but I don't think anyone stops to think about that and remember that they don't have to freak out next year.

Huh.

My friend Nick is a lame-ass. He said he would call me about going out last night, but he never did. Then he calls me this afternoon and leaves a message saying, "I wanna do something with you tonight." Fuck you, dude. You don't know how many times Nick has stood me up. My dad actually pointed it out to me yesterday... he is a flake.

Oh. And I got an email from Frank, my ex from 2002-2004. He wrote:

"Duck: I am sending a message of gratitude for the memory of knowing you. I am happy to read of how your life's passion and your gifts have surged into being. I do not regret anything. I am glad your on the planet, and that I am too. Peace and blessings to you. Frank"

Oh, okay Frank. He is such a drama queen. Does it seem like he wants to connect with me, but he's too chicken to call me on the phone? It seems like that to me!!

I also heard from one of my cousins that he (my cousin) is working with one of my exes from a loong time ago, a guy I only dated for six months but was really heartbroken about... well he was married and is now divorced, never got a skilled job (maybe it is his own lack of initiative or the fact that there aren't so many good jobs in my hometown) and is now working in a retail store with my cousin and a bunch of teenagers. Okay, I admit it, I got smug. And that is not to say anything bad about people who work in retail, etc. But there has always been a big stigma in my hometown about people who stay and people who "get out" to bigger cities and bigger lives... and sometimes I buy into it. Plus, whenever my heart gets broken, as you know, it's such a big deal.

And right now I'm just looking at these guys, a bunch of ex-boyfriends, and really at some time or another I thought each of them hung the moon... I thought I couldn't live without them, that my life was completely shattered... well... was I wrong. What a lack of self-esteem I had in my life! Now I can see that everything that happened was good, because if I had stayed with any of those guys, Frank included- I would have stayed small, stayed stuck, and maybe never have learned what I am made of. And if there's one thing I can say, it's that my life is my own- I didn't get tied to anyone or stuck somewhere because of lack of resources or old relationships. I created my own business, I make my own schedule and basically do what I want most of the time.... I have a very rich life, and I don't owe anybody any explanations! I have had physical, emotional, mental, spiritual and sexual experiences most people only dream about! Wow I am lucky that I just kept on going. And sometimes the Universe had to rip me out of the situations I was in so I could keep on moving... !

Dodged some bullets, I did.

And I suppose the same thinking could be applied to M. I remember seeing his ex sometime after they split. She did not know that I was actually seeing him, and she made some remark about how hard it was to be with a person "that didn't want to change or do the work." I personally had not experienced M like that- it seemed to me that he was willing to talk about things and have experiences. But as time went on, we hit his wall- the wall of intimacy where he was not willing to go- that place where he felt he could do it without me, not with me, or that he was not willing to try to do it with me.

The wall that said he wouldn't go to therapy, because that would mean something was wrong with him, but rather he should try to "figure it out"- even though all his past methods of figuring it out- sex, drugs, whateveh- had never worked before.

In any case, getting a little illumination here and there about all sorts of things.

Feeling sleepy...

Love,
Duck

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